thanks shh, yes I do "know" I was not to blame. I do see how all of these feelings carried over into adulthood. I want to get rid of the feelings of mistrust I have with men. I know all men can't be bad (?), and I want to be able to settle this huge fear-FEAR!!!- that i have of men and relationships. I am working on this in therapy. I don't seem to be moving along too well, but I am trying. The tape in my head is so loud and so long. It's ok. I feel that I need to stop talking about this so much on here. I feel I need to just close that chapter of my life and move on, stop feeling sorry for myself, grow up, etc. I know right from wrong. I will protect my children. In the end, my primary concern is that they are well-adjusted, happy, and not ever abused. ps..glad to see you back! tracy :)