I made a major discovery about myself th
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I made a major discovery about myself this weekend - I had set boundaries within my ED that allowed me to deny to myself that I had an ED or at least the extent of my ED. I binged and I wanted to purge, but I never allowed myself to purge, because that would've made me bulimic, but without the purging I could kid myself that I was just fat & rubbish at dieting. I restricted, but imposed a minimum limit of 700-800 cals a day, and on days when I realised I'd only had abot 400 cals I'd force myself to eat a bar of chocolate before I went to bed to get it up to the 700 cals....because 700-800 cals was a "strict diet", but 400 cals meant I had food issues And when I wanted to self harm, I'd bite myself, because the marks would fade pretty quickly and leave no scars, so I could pretend it never happened, and therefore I didn't have a problem. Having realised that, I now realise the true extent of things and have had to accept that I'm more "affected" by my past than I ever thought I was. It's been a highly emotional time, but now that I acknowledge and accept it, my tears and anguish have given way to a new sense of calm & optimism, and I'm finally in a good place again.