Brava Shh and Lori, You are both getting closer to the authenticity of your experience. You are moving across barriers you've used your eating disorder to support. Now you are getting near your very real personal challenges. When you get close to the reality of your personal challenges it means that you DIDN'T use your eating disorder to block. You are stronger and more healthy than you were even minutes ago. Two issues occur to me when reading your posts.

1. Control is different from honoring limits. Control comes from determination and will power. Honoring limits comes from respect, care, kindness and courage.

2. Now that you are honing in on the difference between pleasure and relief.  You know eating disorder actions give you relief, albeit temporary relief.

The question becomes, "What is pleasure to you - pure, guilt free, shame free pleasure?  Not relief but pleasure.