Claiming the Lost Self: An Essential Task for Midlife Women
How distorted ideas of love and loyalty create self-betrayal and spiritual disconnection.
By Joanna Poppink, MFT
Series Note
The False Map of Love is Article 1 in the seven-part series, Claiming the Lost Self. The series explores how women lose connection to their inner truth through distorted ideas of love and loyalty, and how depth psychotherapy supports the return of the self that survived beneath years of adaptation and silence. Each article follows the psyche’s movement from distortion to awakening through memory, embodiment, and spiritual renewal.
Summary
Many women move through life guided by a false map of love, often without knowing it. They grow up believing that steady devotion requires self-erasure, and that being loved means keeping themselves small. This article traces how such maps form quietly in childhood, how they shape adult relationships, and how depth psychotherapy supports a woman as she begins claiming the lost self. Throughout this six-part series, we follow the psyche’s movement from distortion to clarity, from silent endurance to awakening, through dreams, memory, embodiment, and spiritual renewal.
The False Map of Love
Every woman begins life with a map she does not know she is drawing. It often is a map drawn for her that she accepts without question. The map markings are subtle. A raised eyebrow. A sigh. A quiet withdrawal of affection. A moment of sudden warmth that depends entirely on her compliance. A child learns quickly. She learns what brings calm into the room and what sparks tension. She learns which emotions are welcome and which threaten the household's delicate balance.
Over time, these lessons form a hidden map. It teaches her that love is earned through silence, caretaking, and vigilance. It warns her that needs, opinions, or spontaneity may cost her the fragile connection she tries so hard to keep. What once kept her safe becomes the false map of love, a guide that leads her away from the ground of her own being. This is the earliest form of losing access to her inner direction, long before the real work of claiming the lost self becomes possible.
In adulthood, she may look capable, steady, and devoted. Yet inside, she feels hollowed by over-functioning and under-being. She wonders why she cannot feel the intimacy she works so hard to create. She wonders why closeness feels more like a performance than a relationship. Depth psychotherapy begins with honoring this longing. It helps her look at the map she inherited rather than the life she was meant to live. That is the first gesture toward claiming the lost self.
(Internal link: Article 2, “Dreams of the Rescuer,” explores how the false map first reveals itself in dream images of pursuit and awakening.)
The Soul’s First Wound
The soul’s first wound often arrives quietly. A child shows joy, only to hear she is too much. She asks for comfort and is told she is dramatic. She cries, only to be met with irritation rather than tenderness. It takes only a few such moments for a child to conclude that her inner life is unsafe.
The exile begins here. Not with violence, but with small, repeated lessons:
Your feelings are inconvenient,
Your needs are excessive,
Your truth creates trouble.
To survive, the child learns to guard her inner life. She shines when others need light and disappears when her own pain surfaces. Spiritually, this is the moment she loses trust in the world as a place where she belongs. Yet that hidden self does not vanish. It waits, patient and intact, for the first sign of safety.
(Internal link: Article 3, Meeting the Self Who Never Died," continues this exploration of identity loss and soul amnesia.
The Body as Witness
Before a woman can speak of what shaped her life, her body often speaks for her. Her shoulders rise whenever someone asks what she needs. Her breath thins when she tries to express a difficult truth. Her jaw tightens when she senses criticism coming, even if no words have been spoken.
These reactions are not symptoms of weakness. They are a living archive. They carry memories the mind learned to forget. When a woman sits in psychotherapy and places a hand on her own chest to steady her breath, something ancient stirs. Her body begins to trust that she will not abandon it again.
In this way, the body becomes the doorway to claiming the lost self. It offers messages, not malfunctions, and each message contains the promise of return.
In depth psychotherapy, the body becomes a spiritual companion. Trembling, tears, warmth, or stillness signal the reawakening of buried vitality. Each sensation is a declaration, an annunciation of life returning to the place of banishment. The therapeutic space becomes a sanctuary where body and soul can meet again.
When Love Betrays
Betrayal is often experienced first in childhood, long before a woman has the language to name it. Someone she depended on dismissed her pain, mocked her vulnerability or rewarded her devotion only when it served their needs. As an adult, the same pattern resurfaces. She tries harder, hoping effort will create safety. She forgives quickly. She absorbs what should never have been hers.
Depth psychotherapy offers a different path. Instead of collapsing under the weight of the memory or rushing toward forgiveness, the woman learns to stand in the truth of what happened. She sees how others' betrayals taught her to betray herself. She begins repairing the inner covenant between truth and affection. This is the heart of claiming the lost self. It is the moment she stops leaving herself behind.
Spiritually, betrayal severs the bond between inner truth and outer devotion. Healing begins when the woman recognizes that she abandoned her own knowing to remain loved. Restoring that inner bond becomes the first act of freedom.
The Therapeutic Path Forward
When a woman can no longer silence what hurts, the psyche often speaks through images. She dreams she is drowning while others watch. She dreams of a neglected child she tries to protect. She dreams of running after someone she cannot reach. These images are not warnings. They are invitations. The psyche is calling her back.
In psychotherapy, she slowly tells the dream. She discovers the moment her breath catches. She notices the warmth she feels when she reaches the child in the dream. She begins to recognize that her own inner life has been trying to reach her for years.
The therapist’s task is not to repair a defective person but to accompany what has been hidden and waits for safety to emerge. As the false map dissolves, she confronts grief and disorientation, the loss of familiar roles, and the realization that devotion did not bring her the safety she worked for. Yet in this open space she meets the beginnings of inner authority.
Claiming the lost self begins here, in the willingness to listen. Her false map of love begins to fade. Over time, the woman discovers a startling truth: she does not have to work for love inside the therapeutic relationship. She is seen. She is met. She is not required to shrink. Eventually, she begins giving herself the same regard she receives. That is how inner authority is born.
(Internal link: Article 4, “The Dream That Begins the Rescue,” shows how dreams become active partners in healing.)
The Awakening Self
A quiet shift often marks the beginning of awakening. A woman speaks a small truth and feels her body soften rather than brace. She says “no” and is surprised by the relief that follows. She feels a moment of recognition, as if she is meeting someone familiar inside her own gaze.
This is the return of the self that never died. Feelings once exiled return. Memories once too frightening come forward with less threat. Strength she thought she lacked becomes available. She begins moving through life with an inner orientation rather than an outer performance. She is not rescuing a fragment. She is claiming a whole presence that has been waiting for her.
Psychologically, this is integration. Spiritually, it is a reunion. The self reappears not as the obedient child or the wounded survivor, but as one who knows love as mutual recognition. She no longer equates love with effort, self-criticism, or endurance of what harms her. The false map is laid aside; the inner path arises. Claiming the lost self becomes the quiet foundation for a new life.
(Internal links: Article 5, “The Return of Meaning,” and Article 6, “The Living Wholeness.”)
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How do I know if I am following a false map of love?
You may be following it if you feel responsible for everyone’s emotional comfort, apologize often, and struggle to say “no.” You may feel unseen even when competent, and afraid that withdrawing effort will lead to losing love or safety. These are early signs that the lost self has not yet been claimed.
2. Is claiming the lost self psychological, spiritual, or both?
Both. Psychologically, you disentangle learned survival patterns from your authentic inner life. Spiritually, you renew your connection to a deeper source of guidance, once obscured by fear.
3. What if my body feels numb instead of remembering?
Numbness is a form of memory. It reflects how your body protects you from overwhelming experiences. Safety allows sensation to reappear over time.
4. Does working with betrayal mean reconciliation?
No. The essential work is internal truth-telling. Decisions about outer contact come later and with clarity.
5. What does depth psychotherapy feel like from session to session?
It is often quiet. The work attends to images, dreams, sensations, and the emotional atmosphere between you and your therapist. Over time, you notice you are less willing to abandon yourself for others’ comfort and more willing to live in alignment with your inner truth.
Resources
Hillman, J. (1975). Re-visioning psychology. Harper & Row.
Jung, C. G. (1968). The archetypes and the collective unconscious (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.; 2nd ed., Vol. 9 Pt. 1). Princeton University Press.
Kalsched, D. (1996). The inner world of trauma: Archetypal defenses of the personal spirit. Routledge.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
Woodman, M. (1982). Addiction to perfection: The still unravished bride. Inner City Books.
American Psychological Association. (2020, August 3). Experiencing childhood trauma makes body and brain grow up faster. APA.
American Psychological Association. (2023, November 1). Can religion and spirituality have a place in therapy? Monitor on Psychology.
Mahon, S. (2012). Spirituality and therapy. Irish Journal of Counselling and Psychotherapy
Poppink, J. (2025). Depth-oriented psychotherapy for midlife women: How it works and why it matters. www.eatingDisorderRecovery.net.
Claiming the Lost Self: An Essential Task for Midlife Women — Seven-Part Series
by Joanna Poppink, MFT
1. Following the False Map of Love
This chapter examines how early distortions of love shape lifelong patterns that require self-abandonment. It shows how recognizing these distortions becomes movement toward revealing a woman’s genuine identity.
2. Dreams of the Rescuer
This chapter explores how the unconscious signals readiness for change through rescue images. It shows how these dreams empower courageous actions that protect and support the emerging self.
3. Meeting The Self Who Never Died
This chapter clarifies how the self can be pushed out of awareness but not destroyed. It shows how the hidden self rises and is available for recognition.
4. The Rescue Dream
This chapter focuses on a decisive dream that marks a shift in psychological direction. It shows how instinct and clarity break through defenses, motivating a woman to support and protect her emerging self.
5. The Return of Meaning
This chapter shows how meaning reappears when symptoms and conflicts are understood as communications. It demonstrates how judgment strengthens, and actions begin to follow inner integrity.
This chapter describes how wholeness becomes a lived experience. It shows how relationships realign, the body participates in healing, and voice and presence emerge with clear, confident, and genuine presence.
7. Claiming the Lost Self: Conclusion
This concluding chapter brings the arc of the work into focus. It shows how ongoing courage, clarity, and genuine self-regard anchor the next phase of development.
About the Author
Joanna Poppink, MFT, is a depth-oriented psychotherapist specializing in midlife women’s development, eating disorder recovery, and recovery from narcissistic abuse. She serves clients in California, Arizona, Florida, and Oregon through secure virtual sessions. Contact her at
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