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Joanna Poppink, MFT
Eating Disorder Recovery Psychotherapist
serving Arizona, California, Florida and Oregon.
All appointments are virtual.

 

Outgrowing Relationships: a Powerful Act of Self-Love

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ourtgrowing relationshps: a celebration

 

Outgrowing Relationships:  A Quiet Celebration of Self

By Joanna Poppink, MFT

Private Depth Psychotherapy for Women in Midlife and Beyond

www.eatingdisorderrecovery.net

Outgrowing relationships brings us to a need for courageous and honest reflection. We often hear: “It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you.” But what makes that okay? For many women—especially those raised to put others first—the idea of outgrowing people they once tried to please feels like betrayal, abandonment, or failure.

But what if your letting go isn’t an act of rejection, but one of truth?

What if you’re not discarding anyone, but reclaiming yourself?

This shift in perspective is not merely intellectual—it’s rooted in emotional repair, moral clarity, and cultural awakening. It reflects a return to inner authority.

Letting Go Isn’t Cold. It’s Clarifying.

Many of us have been taught that loyalty means staying—no matter the cost. We were conditioned to normalize emotional neglect, tolerate mistreatment, or explain away why someone couldn’t love us the way we needed.

But from a psychotherapeutic perspective, letting go is often essential for healing. Staying in a relationship where love is consistently absent or unsafe reinforces internalized beliefs that you’re the problem, that you’re too much, or not enough. These are not harmless assumptions. They shape the core of how you live and love. The idea that you have outgrown the relationship doesn't occur to you.

The act of letting go, then, becomes an act of psychic self-preservation. It's not selfish. It’s necessary.

Depth psychotherapy supports this process as part of what Jung called individuation—the slow and courageous journey into the self. As you begin to listen to your own emotional truth, you naturally outgrow dynamics that ask you to stay silent, compliant, or emotionally invisible.

Outgrowing Relationships Isn’t Abandonment. It’s Evolution.

Some people didn’t know how to love you—not because you were unlovable, but because they couldn’t meet you where you were. Others didn’t even try. When you stop waiting for someone to become who they’re not, you interrupt a painful loop: the endless longing to be seen by someone unwilling or unable to see you.

Moral clarity supports this shift. Prioritizing your well-being is not a betrayal of others. It’s a rebalancing of dignity. The morality we were taught—especially as women—often equated goodness with self-sacrifice. But true ethical living includes compassion for yourself. It includes the courage to stop participating in relationships that require your diminishment.

Staying small does not serve you.

And it doesn't serve them, either.

When you choose to grow beyond a harmful dynamic, you’re not rejecting the person—you’re refusing to reject yourself.

What Fills the Space When You Stop Trying to Be Loved?

When you recognize that you are outgrowing your relationships, at first, what arises may be grief.

Then silence.

Then, something unexpected—relief.

And with that relief, space.

Into that space, something sacred can emerge: self-love. Not just the self-care rituals that we associate with wellness culture, but the deeper, more honest kind—born from treating your own soul as worthy.

Psychologically, this is what healing requires: room to become real.

This kind of growth means speaking more kindly to yourself.

It means choosing people who meet you with reciprocity.

It means no longer twisting yourself into someone else's version of lovable.

It means belonging to yourself first.

Outgrowing Relationships: Why It's More Than Okay to Leave—It's Necessary

From a cultural perspective, the permission to walk away from harmful ties is relatively new. Earlier generations were expected to maintain appearances, uphold family loyalty, and endure mistreatment in silence. But today, we are part of a cultural awakening—one that names emotional abuse, honors trauma healing, and redefines what it means to be “a good woman.”

You are no longer obligated to carry someone else’s emotional limitations.

You are allowed to leave the space where your love went unreceived.

You are entitled to grow, even if it means growing beyond them.

Letting go is not failure.

It’s an expression of emotional integrity.

It’s an act of moral courage.

It’s a step toward cultural maturity.

And it is absolutely okay.

A Quiet Celebration

Outgrowing people who couldn’t love you isn’t about triumph. It’s about truth. It’s about saying: I am no longer willing to disappear inside a relationship. You’re not being disloyal. You’re being faithful to your own becoming.

This isn’t a loud celebration. It’s a quiet honoring.

It might look like lighting a candle at your kitchen table, whispering a thank-you to the part of you that stayed alive inside.

It might be a silent walk under trees, where you feel your own breath and say, Yes, I’m still here.

It might be a new beginning in psychotherapy, where—for the first time—you stop fighting for someone else's love and start claiming your own.

You are growing into you.

That is more than okay.

That is worth celebrating.

Reflection Questions:

  • Who have you held on to out of guilt, fear, or obligation?
  • What parts of yourself were silenced in that dynamic?
  • What belief tells you that letting go is wrong?
  • What becomes possible when you allow yourself to grow?

Frequently Asked Questions about Outgrowing Relationships

 

1. What does it mean to “outgrow” someone?

Outgrowing someone means you've emotionally or psychologically matured beyond a relationship dynamic that once felt necessary, familiar, or even safe—but now limits your authenticity, growth, or well-being.

2. Isn’t it selfish to let go of someone who still wants to be in my life?

No. It's a moral and psychological act of self-care to let go of people who cannot offer you healthy, reciprocal, or respectful love—even if they want to stay connected. Continuing such relationships often means self-abandonment.

3. But what if the person who couldn’t love me is a parent, sibling, or long-time partner?

The bond may be lifelong, but your obligation to tolerate harm or neglect is not. Boundaries—emotional, physical, or relational—are essential, even in family. Psychotherapy can help you navigate grief, guilt, and loyalty conflicts with clarity and compassion.

4. Isn’t walking away a form of abandonment?

Only if the goal is to punish or avoid. But when walking away is a result of truth-telling and growth, it’s not abandonment—it’s release. You're no longer staying in a relationship that demands your silence or suffering.

5. What happens after I let go? I feel empty.

That emptiness is common—and temporary. It often marks the space where over-efforting and unmet needs once lived. As grief is processed and your emotional world reorganizes, that emptiness begins to fill with grounded self-worth, meaningful connections, and clarity.

6. What if I feel guilty for leaving someone behind?

Guilt often arises when we violate an old role—not a moral truth. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re wrong; it often means you're growing. Therapy can help unpack inherited beliefs about loyalty, sacrifice, and goodness so you can act from your integrity, not your conditioning.

7. How do I know I’m ready to let go?

You may feel emotionally exhausted, unseen, or like you're shrinking to stay connected. You may find yourself fantasizing about peace, solitude, or being “finally free.” Readiness isn’t about confidence—it’s about honesty. If your truth says “I can’t stay like this,” you're ready.

 

Real-Life Stories of Outgrowing Relationshps (Fictionalized for Privacy)

 

1. Marissa, 68 – Letting Go of Her Sister

Marissa had spent her adult life trying to live as if she and her sister were close and cared about famiy events and holidays. Marissa organized gatherings, decorated, and prepared food. Her sister often ignored or mocked her efforts.She would often promise to help and never follow through.  When Marissa began therapy in her mid-sixties, she said quietly, “I’ve built a relationship out of hope, not reality.”

After two years of inner work, Marissa chose not to send a holiday invitation. “I want peace, not grief and disappointment.” She spent the holiday with close friends, and for the first time in decades, felt relaxed and joyful.

2. Danielle, 44 – A Marriage Based on Emotional Starvation

Danielle's husband wasn't abusive. But he was emotionally unavailable. “I feel like I live with a polite stranger,” she told me. “I perform all the roles—wife, mother, hostess—but I feel hollow inside.”

Through therapy, Danielle began exploring what it meant to be known. When she tried to talk to her husband about her needs and interests he dismissed them or changed the subject. Eventually, she said, “I’m more alone in this marriage than I would be alone.” She separated, not in anger, but in truth. She felt fear and loss in ending her marriage, but was more eager for her future. Two years later, she says, “I feel like I’ve come home to myself.”

3. Joan, 75 – A Lifetime of Maternal Rejection

Joan had never felt loved by her mother. Even in her seventies, she still tried to connect. Her mother’s responses were cold or critical. “It’s like waiting for a train that will never arrive,” she told me.

Joan’s breakthrough didn’t come from confrontation. It came from stopping. She stopped calling and writing. Stopped hoping. Stopped reaching for a woman who never reached back. The grief was enormous, but the relief was greater. “I never knew I could feel so calm,” she said. “I’m finally free.” She visits once a month to check on her mother's health and care situation. Joan respects her separateness and values as an individual as she attends to her aged mother with minimal emotional risk.

 

Outgrowing Relationships: Resources:

Joanna Poppink, MFT. Depth psychotherapist. Private sessions. All appointments are virtual. licensed in CA, OR, AZ, FL.  For a free telelphone consultation write:  This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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