yes, Joanna, this makes sense. It made me cry. I don't know that I have ever been that kind and reassuring to the child in me. I feel that if I starve myself i will eventually disappear and I wont have to deal with people or things or issues... I guess i am scared that something bad WILL happen. I want to put my wall back up. I need to hang in there..I know I feel this badly because I am doing something right...or atleast that is what I am trying to convince myself of. something has triggered this and all I can think it could be is what shh is going thru right now. I can't stand the thought that someone else is going thru that awful time of beginning to process such bad things. I am trying to be supportive but it is bringing up tough memories for me. In no way do I want you to feel bad, shh...this is a forum for us to talk about anything...i dont want you to hesitate to process your stuff...I think for me, it is important that I talk about how it impacts me because it is huge when I can pinpoint a trigger, hang with it, and reach out for support. I wish I could let this stuff go. It hurts less when I am behind my wall. I feel that with recovery i am running thru open fire. I don't know if that is normal. i feel raw. tracy