I can recall thinking that if my parents would meet my miniscule expectations, I could have a relationship with them. I used to think that in my relationships with men too.
I also used to think that if I had some certainty in my life, I would be okay. --Same thing in green.
I also used to think that none of this was part of my "real" life--I was always waiting for my "real" life to start. I wouldn't be like this in my "real" life.
If I thought that I could disengage myself from my parents forever I would somehow feel guilty because I don't think it was ever their intention to hurt me. They wouldn't think that now. In their own distorted way they love me. They fed me and clothed me and took me places. They gave me a faith and a family. What more could I be asking for?
I'm asking for much more. I'm asking for relationship. I'm asking to be seen. I'm asking for someone to show up for me. I know they can't do that. (I think I'm talking to some segmented part of myself here. This is what I want from myself. Why is my action button broken?)
Isn't this part of boundary setting? i.e., I would like to have a relationship with you, but I am not accepting advice or negative comments at this time. I will hang up if you are rude. I'm making my own choices. You may not discuss my family in public. I will choose not to relate with you if you do any of these things. The very fact that I breathe means a great deal to many people. The people who love me treat me with respect. The people I allow into my life treat me with respect.
What I'd like to say in my fantasy--When you get some help Mom, you will understand me better. When you help yourself, you will know what to do for me (and my sister).
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