Thank you shh and Jackie for your encouraging words. I hope you guys are doing well. When I first read this post I thought of you, Shh, and all your experiences with your mom and husband. I think you have overcome seemingly insurmountable trials. It is good to see how positive you feel.          jackie,                                   
I was where you are 20 years ago. Don't force your memories.  as time goes on, and as you work on your ED, your mind will clear up and your past will be more clear (Whatever it says). You will start to uncover the reasons that you used your ED.        Good luck to everyone !