I read something somewhere that says everyone has at least 2 addictions in life, and major addiction - the one you rely on most, and a secondary one in case you aren't able to utiliise the first - and if that's true then food is my major addiction, and sex my minor one.
I have really worked on understanding the sex better, and I know now that it's triggered by feeling inadequate - as soon as I get the feeling, the urge, if it's not around ovulation time or in circumstances where most people would feel aroused, then I ask myself what it is that's making me feel inadequate, and I work out a way to deal with that and not act out sexually.
But the using food for comfort, sometimes bingeing, sometimes continuously grazing to keep myself on a level, is something I still find myself doing, and I'm not even fully aware of why, or what it is that I need comforting and relief from anymore. After a year of not turning to food at all, I find this difficult to fathom out properly, other than maybe a reaction to stress, as a way of dealing with something that says it's not okay to feel under pressure and feel stressed - not sure?
I used to get my holding from therapy and journalling, now that I'm without therapy, it's down to me to comfort less and hold more. I know if I journalled more I would probably have a better grip on my eating, but I just don'y have enough time to journal on a strictly personal level at the moment, although I do journal a few times a week as a requirement of my training, about the things that come up as a result of my training experiences.
I also really utilise the holding environment of the "process hour" at the end of a training day - a lot of people struggle with it, but I really find it useful.
I did have a recent experience of being "rescued" during process hour - which is supposed to be a strictly holding environment, and I found that I really resented it. I had spoken about something sensitive that had come up for me during the day, and felt quite tearful, and left the circle/room - I had a bit of a cry, asked myself if I was ready to go back, washed my face, dried my eyes, and before I went back to the room I said in my head the words I knew I needed to say to the group to ensure I could say them without tearing up again, and I was fine, so I returned, ready to say what I needed to say, and as soon as I returned, the group member who outwardly admits that she has a strong rescuing tendency, started to speak, and I knew she had done it to divert the attention away from me in the room, and give me some space, which was sweet, but I felt very much like..."I'm not THAT weak, I don't need rescuing, if I wasn't ready to return and face all the eyes on me and talk about why I left, I wouldn't have returned yet", and it was a bit like she interrupted what should've been a natural flow of events
I asked her about it afterwards, whether she'd done it to rescue me, I thanked her for being sweet, and assured her that I didn't need rescuing and preferred not to be rescued.
I just wish I felt and behaved the same way in my personal life behind closed doors.
I know if I had more time, I would be able to tackle my comforting myself with food better, and I know how important it is, but I have no idea where I can find that personal time and space from at the moment.
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