ok, thanksgiving was hard but not as bad
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ok, thanksgiving was hard but not as bad as it could have been. I tried to stay positive, move around a lot, and not allow anyone to "watch me" for any extended amount of time. My mother did start the day by loudly announcing to those in the room that I am just losing "so much weight"...I shot her down with a glare and a few words, but later apologized and kindly asked her to not talk about my weight around the family. I found it hard to eat very much, but I enjoyed the time with my family, I really did. Later, after the kids went to bed I made myself a small plate of little teaspoons of certain foods I had brought home because I was so hungry and because I wanted to eat alone. Bad thoughts consumed me but I kept repeating the word nuture to myself...I don't feel I buy into this word yet, but it was a little mantra I had that kept me from purging the very little bit of food I had eaten. I am angry with myself, but the rational part of me says I deserve to eat, that a couple hundred calories won't have an impact on the way I look or a weight on a scale. I know I write so much on this site, and I am sorry, but I really feel this is the support I have needed for so long..it is really a great adjunct to working with my therapist (who is excited to work with me through this book). I am so desperate to heal. Thank you for letting me go on and on and on....