I'm sure Joanna will have some wise words for you, but I just wanted to say that I think you are so brave and trying so hard!

Everything that happened in your session, the anger that came up, tne feeling like you wanted to hurl things - they're strong feelings that have been eating away at you for a long time and that needed letting out - I don't think there is any shame in that.  I know for myself, sometimes I've felt so hurt and so angry, it's like my insides are thrashing about and fighting with each other, and I feel like I'm going to either explode from the pain or curl up and die from it... you are certainly not alone in feeling strong reactions.

I used to do the "HATE, HATE, HATE.." thing too, and initially I found the easiest way to start tackling it was to turn it so instead of hating myself for not dealing with things better, I could say "I HATE being stuck in this situation, I HATE how it makes me feel" and still feel the anger and frustration of how I felt, but started turning it away from myself, and directing it more towards the things that made me feel that way.

As for not being able to talk about things... I have on many occasions arranged what I wanted to say in a word document with bullet points and excerpts from my journal, to use as prompts and to help me stay focussed on the important parts (as I used to often fly off on a tangent about something irrelevent when things got too much, but I gradually became aware I was doing that, and used to use my notes as prompts to reign myself back in stay on track), but in the worst scenarios, I would end up just handing them over saying "please will you just read this because I can't say it to you"... and we did that for quite a while... whereby I was encouraged to just talk about things, but if it got difficult I coyld refer to my notes, and if it became impossible I could just hand them over... and gradually, over time, I learned to be able to talk about things.

Sending you lots of hugs Tracy, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment - I've missed you whilst the site had been being transformed!