I rarely think about what I want to accomplish before I die, as I rarely think of my life past the next few years.  Living in the present is difficult too. I think I live too much in the past.  I have spent a lot of time feeling sad the past few days, today has been really, really hard. I cried as I read this post, Joanna, because I read it after I had posted on the forum site. It spoke to so much of how I feel. I do feel despair and shame. I feel like I will never get this right. My friends don't understand what I see in the mirror. All I can say is that I see something horrid and grotesque. My friends don't have to live in this body or this mind that is constantly rolling a negative tape.

I guess right now I would say that before I die I just want to get better and enjoy atleast a few years of ED free thinking and living. I feel like I am in prison. I honestly do not see any way out of this. I am tired of my mind not shutting off.  I feel like everyone is staring at me in disgust. 

The reallly tiring part is acting like I am ok to those around me. Trying to hide all of this madness.  I know I am not successful all the time with my co-workers, but as long as my patients don't see it, I guess that is good.

What steps can I take to get started? I don't know. I feel like I have tried everything.