Hi Joanna, I have not been able to forget your phrase "that's combining, but not necessarily integrating". It pretty much describes so much of what I've done. I kept the convinction that I'm really not good enough behind the drive to 'improve' and show others. Zen meditation taught me to be still and aware but I nonetheless managed to separate my life into 'healthy' and 'unhealthy'. I'm finally sick of its uselessness.I have become willing to eat more, to weigh a little more, to talk about it honestly with my husband, and allow myself to feel and see what happens--slowly, very slowly this time. I must learn that I can be worthy of love even when I'm not doing something perfectly. My therapist believes so much in me but this must be for me and not to impress her or my husband. I'm sad to relearn once again how scared I was when young and how I've kept some basic fears inside me alive with my eating disorder. After so much old past drama, who would think a few pounds could mean so much? But my letting go of my grip around numbers and eating means giving up old beliefs. It is saying goodbye to the scary world I grew up in that I couldn't ever fix. And, as well, the world in which I can't use a spiritual practice to 'fix me' either. Diane