I love what you wrote to Tracy. As the New year arrives I've been thinking about what I want in life. I've decided my theme for this year is exploring and rebuilding. The hard part is I'm not 100% what it is that I want to build for myself. The perfectionist in me wants to have a plan but recovery tells me that I don't need to have everything figured out before moving forward.
I am getting my white belt in NIA in March and I think part of what excites me about it is that this is one of the first things I decided on, planned for, saved money for and have been building my endurance for, since recovery. I know I don't want to make a career out of teaching NIA (like many folks who go for the belts), but it's my first attempt at reaching out beyond the "map" and testing the water.
In my leadership acdemy class we have been working on figuring out our life purpose. I know I get recharged when I am able to help others figure out their potential. I guess where the exploring this year comes in is that I have no idea where and how I want to do that. Do I just want to get better at the limited number of opprotunities I have to do that at my current position or do I want to find another position where that is the main purpose. I'm not even sure if that position exists with the State of Oregon (pretty sure I want to remain a State employee as all my retirement benefits are waund up in that).
So my exploring theme is around what I want to do and the rebuilding part is rebuilding my concept of who I am after having given that over to ED and now taking it back. I want to be more couragous. I want to feel comfortable looking in a mirror when I feel vulenerable. I want to be able to receive love without rationalizing if I deserve it or not. I want to know that as I explore and see new possibilities that I am a capable person and if others can do it, so can I.
I'm really starting to feel like 2013 is going to be a year of growing outwards. 2012 was a wonderful year for me in that I have moved beyond ED's control and I'm beginning to take on my own identity again, but this year is about using my strengths and making a difference in the world.