I am really working hard on my sexual abuse issues in therapy. I often feel like a complete failure after leaving my weekly sessions because I tend to zone out and my therapist ends up talking the most. I feel that a lot of my problem stems from feeling so bad about myself as a child being abused, and now as an adult I am carrying much shame. My therapist has challenged me to love myself. I can't even say the words out loud. I have come very far in my recovery per se: I have gone months without b&p. I am proud of that. Very proud. But the issues that drove me into my ED in the first place are haunting me like crazy.
I feel bad that I can't get myself together in therapy. I feel bad that I am ashamed to talk about sex - I just shut down. I want a healthy attitude about sex, but all it does is scare me. I haven't had many sober relationships. I feel like a teenager just feeling her way in the world of dating. my self worth and my self esteem are faltering. I know it takes time, but I hate seeing people around me having such ease in the dating world :(
My therapist is retiring in about 18 months. I am 45, and we have been together off and on since I was 25. That's a long time! She has seen me through periods of starvation to bulimia. And back and forth. I'm already anxious about her leaving. I'm feeling low self esteem about all the things I still need to work on- things I've been working on for forever!! I find myself struggling with trying to get it all "fixed" before she retires. I'm not sure I could start over with someone new.
I pray hard that I can find some bravery from within. I want to feel "normal" and comfortable in my own body. I want to stop feeling scared in relationships.
I journal often. I e-journal my therapist during the week and she provides feedback that allows me to work on things between sessions. She encourages me to use positive statements about myself - even if I can't say "I love you" to myself. I'm working on paying attention to all or nothing statements-I catch myself often.