are the exact and very same feelings that I experienced during the 3 months before my grandfather died. I could not cope with all of the feelings that were welling up inside me.
You see, he took away my childhood, my innocence. Those months before he died, I was so emotionally sick. I was desperate..I thought I was "bad". I asked God to just take me..I felt that no one could ever know how bad I felt. I felt embarrassed to ask for help, embarrassed that I was so "crazy".
No one ever acknowledged the abuse..maybe they didn't know, maybe they refused to acknowledge it, I don't know. The day we buried my grandfather, the very same day, I felt a huge burden fall off my small back.
I have spent time in therapy crying over this little 12 year old girl, I see her face, I see her empty eyes in most of her childhood pictures...I mourn for her. Tonight, I realize that I feel that same way...the way I felt before he died. I am obsessed, crazy, and miserable. I see no way out.
My realization tonight is that I don't think that litte girl ever grew up, she is still in there, she is just carrying a different burden (or maybe it's still the same one)? I feel as clueless as I did then to help myself. But I think tonight I really connected with these two parts of myself..I really need to work very hard (and compassionately) with this in therapy.
I am still fragile. I am not a bad person. I got thru that time (alone) with no therapy, with no one who knew why I was so messed up. I need to reach that little girl. She needs to be hugged. She needs to feel like she is worth something. She needs to know that living is not just the filling between being born and dying. That there is life within that living. She needs to know she did nothing wrong. She is not marked for all to see.
I am glad to have had this thought come to me tonight. I don't know if this post sounds negative and as if I am feeling sorry for myself. That is not the intent at all. I truly feel I had a breakthrough tonight. I know I rambled, I don't care. I also feel a little better.