Vulnerable Time is Best Time to Check In

I rarely think about what I want to accomplish before I die, as I rarely think of my life past the next few years.  Living in the present is difficult too. I think I live too much in the past.  I have spent a lot of time feeling sad the past few days, today has been really, really hard. I cried as I read this post, Joanna, because I read it after I had posted on the forum site. It spoke to so much of how I feel. I do feel despair and shame. I feel like I will never get this right. My friends don't understand what I see in the mirror. All I can say is that I see something horrid and grotesque. My friends don't have to live in this body or this mind that is constantly rolling a negative tape.

I guess right now I would say that before I die I just want to get better and enjoy atleast a few years of ED free thinking and living. I feel like I am in prison. I honestly do not see any way out of this. I am tired of my mind not shutting off.  I feel like everyone is staring at me in disgust. 

The reallly tiring part is acting like I am ok to those around me. Trying to hide all of this madness.  I know I am not successful all the time with my co-workers, but as long as my patients don't see it, I guess that is good.

What steps can I take to get started? I don't know. I feel like I have tried everything.

Dear Tracy,

Please know that your feelings, while real, are not reality.  They are coming up from your eating disordered way of life.

I remember, for many years before my recovery I could not see living beyond six months from the present moment.  I wasn't frightened or sad or worried about anyone else.  Beyond six m

onths was a void.  I couldn't see myself or anyone or anything else beyond that point.

When I got a glimpse into the possibility of living longer I began to look at what I might do to create a better future.  The future I imagined unfolding if I kept living the same way was horrible to me - grim and meaningless.

This was the beginning of my recovery, although I didn't know it.  I planned to get a career which meant I needed to go back to school and finish my degree. And, I planned to bring my bulimia with me since I couldn't imagine being alive without it.

But, as I made constructive moves in my life I had to drop destructive patterns or at least some of them.  When I think back now I'm amazed at just how many destructie behaviors and patterns I had to drop, did drop and stil binged and purged several or many times a day all through my years at UCLA.

But I was growing, developing, learning.  I met people who opened my mind and encouraged me. I found my way to clinical work, trainings and eventually my own treatment.

It wasn't easy.  I cried a lot. I felt despair.  I felt anger at people who tried to sabatoge my goals. I felt lonely that people didn't understand or criticized me or laughed at me, certain I would fail and "be normal" again.

Eventually I learned that I wasn't supposed to drop my plans, course work and studies to please the people.  I was supposed to drop the people to continue on my path. I did.  I found new people who did understand and who inspired me to move beyond the threshold of my own imagination.

Just think of anything you want, Tracy.  I mean anything. Would you like to see the sun rise over Stonehenge? Would you like to dance with your children in a magical Irish forest with delightful laughing people playing the pipes and drums?  Would you like to make a scientific discovery that changes our perception of the stars? or the sea? or the moon? or the earth itself?

Let your imagination soar.  Then look at what is a necessary first step.  Maybe you have to get more sleep so your mind is more clear. Maybe you have to be certain that no matter what you eat or don't eat you need one meal that nourishes your body well.

Maybe you need to read a book or take a class or audit a class.  Maybe you need to hone in on the exercises in Healing Your Hungry Heart and pick up Julia Cameron's Artists Way and do those exercises too.

When you've done everything you think you can, everything that you know about and you can't think of anything else to do you are not lost.  You are at the beginning of new territory.  You've run out of map and now are really exploring the unknown.  The unknown is where you are going.  

What it's like to live a life in recovery is unknown to you.  You don't get a map. But you do get guides that help you find your way.

You may feel that you are in the worst place.  That's because you are on the edge of the beginning of the new.  And that's the best place.

ok, well, I guess one thing i have always wanted to do is go on a storm chasing tour.
thank you for your reply,joanna. It helps to know you understnad what I am going through.  I have said this before, I honestly feel that I need to get some time away from all my distractions to get started on this journey. I feel so lost right now. I cant slow my mind down long enough to sit and read or work on journal exercises.  I cant focus and I dont have the energy to deal with everything in my life and deal with my eating disorder. The holiday wore me out bigtime.  I dont think I have been in a lower ED place in a very long time. thanks for being here for me. I see my therapist next week.  I slept through my 730 am appt this week so I didn't get to talk with her. and yes, you are right. I do need more sleep.

Dear Laura,

Love can feel like a little thing, but it turns out to be an incredibly powerful force.

I invite you to explore what and who you love or what you might love if you gave yourself the chance.  One you start following where your heart leads you your dreams grow in a natural way that will inspire you.  You will be creating courage and your future as you go.