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Full Bulimia Episode Story in 5 parts: Caution could be Triggering Part 5

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This story is my attempt to bring understanding to this painful, desperate and all too common experience in the life of a bulimic woman. It could be triggering.  I wrote this because articulating the extent of a bulimic episode in detail can help a woman know she can be understood and accepted. If she can feel known in her darkest hours she may experience a new sense of hope and reach for her recovery.

Home

 Day 8 continued You quietly let yourself in to your apartment. You run water in the bathroom to hide sound. You throw up the doughnuts. Exhausted, you collapse on the bed, fully clothed, on top of the covers and pass out.


Day 8 through 10
You are groggy, feel unreal, quick tempered, guilty, dirty, ugly and fat. You withdraw from other people or you interact with others while telling the lie with your body and mind that everything in your life is fine. You tell no one what happened during this episode and do your best to forget it yourself. You keep yourself consciously removed from your experience by binging and purging every day. You wait for someone to call you and make your life right. No one does.

 

 -----------------

Certainly not everyone with bulimia acts out their disease as I describe. But many do match this scenario and many scenarios are worse. At least in the descriptions I gave, the woman got home. I wrote the full bulimic episode description to make clear that bulimia covers a territory far more vast than eating behaviors.


From Being Lost to Being Found:
The woman I depict in this article is lost and desperately needs to be found.  She is raw and vulnerable. She has no access to inner strength and no ability to recognize healthy, kind people who might support and guide her. At some point we can hope that when she wakes to her familiar sense of guilt, shame, fatigue, loneliness she can determine not go any lower than this.

If she hits her bottom, she’ll look up for her way out. She'll kick off from that bottom, perhaps on hope and determination alone.  But that's enough to get started on recovery. If this is you, please know that your recovery path does exist.

Once you are open to recovery, you will ask the questions and see some hints of answers that will lead you to your healing work and a much better life. Many people in my profession devote their lives to eating disorder recovery work. See Academy for Eating Disorders and International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals. Overeaters Anonymous provides help and support all over the world for people who are willing and able to move on their recovery path. We are here for you when you are ready to call.

 

Sections

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5 (conclusion)

 

 

Comments  

moon lee
0 # I can feel the pain of a woman.I am a stmoon lee 2011-09-05 21:11
I can feel the pain of a woman.I am a student. About six months ago I was depressed for my result and career. Then I heard about Central London Counselling and went to here. After three months therapy I have got a new life. So I suggest you Counselling London
PTC
0 # Wow, I just read all of the posts. ThatPTC 2011-09-11 05:21
Wow, I just read all of the posts. That was intense. I can't imagine what it would be like to be stuck in the cycle, it just seems so horrible. I have this thought sometimes, and I had it when I read this, I thought, "I'm glad I restrict, it's so much safer and less stressful."
pinkjoanna
0 # Dear PTC, Your response is yet anothepinkjoanna 2011-09-16 18:15
Dear PTC,

Your response is yet another wake up call for me. There is so much to say about the intricacies of eating disorders and their effect on a life.

From your post I see that I need to write about the restricting stories that involve sexuality. They are equally intense but play out differently. A sense of safety through restricting can be an illusion.

As always, thank you for your comments, PTC. You add value to the conversation and inspire me to delve more into the ramifications of living with an eating disorder as well as writing about the recovery path.
pinkjoanna
0 # Dear Moon Lee, Thank you for lettingpinkjoanna 2011-09-16 18:16
Dear Moon Lee,

Thank you for letting us know about beginning your recovery work. Please keep posting so we can support you as you move through your challenges.

warm regards,

Joanna
PTC
0 # thanks Joanna.PTC 2011-09-18 15:55
thanks Joanna.
KymL
0 # I'm sorry, but I've told myself for a coKymL 2011-09-19 12:32
I'm sorry, but I've told myself for a couple days not to respond to you PTC, but I have too. I'm a restricter and there's no way it was safer or less stressful from years ago when I was a purger!! Sure, both make you feel safe for the moment that they numb hard feelings, but once you can stand to the side and honestly take a look at your life, restricting is not less stress nor safer!! Maybe you don't know what's going on because startvation has made your reality a blurr, but trust me, now that I'm out of it, I was more stressed than I would have been facing any of my feelings!! I almost lost my job, I pushed away my friends and my partner and I was physically so weak I wasn't functional anymore. But I wasn't aware of it all until I went into treatment and started to eat again. I use to think I wasn't as bad off, or somehow I protecting my body because I wasn't a purger, but now I realize (and am still learning) how wrong I was!! My head was filled with just as much terror and voices as Joanna wrote about only my voices were "blessed" by the diet industry and media so I thought it was all good. No one could tell me the things I'm saying right now because I wasn't ready to hear it. I really pray you're more open than I was and that you get help.

Sorry if I over-stepped my boundaries, but I've heard purgers wish they were restricters and it scares the crap out of me!!! We can't afford to glorify any part of an ED!!!
PTC
0 # Hey Kym, you didn't overstep your boundaPTC 2011-09-21 04:46
Hey Kym, you didn't overstep your boundaries. I definitely don't "starve" myself. I eat, just probably not as much as I should, but it's plenty. I am in therapy. My ED hasn't affected my life all that much and my health is good.

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JoannaPoppink How fungi could help stem our mushrooming climate crisis https://t.co/OrES4cDsLC
3hreplyretweetfavorite
JoannaPoppink Latest Sustainable World online now. https://t.co/BxOaBNX9Ix #climate
3hreplyretweetfavorite
JoannaPoppink The end of infinite growth - Rex Weyler https://t.co/DOPcg0MnJW
15hreplyretweetfavorite
JoannaPoppink Fanged mouse-deer identified after vanishing for a generation https://t.co/ULaj1HE9DY

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