Anorexic to Obese and back again....and again
- Category: Symptoms
by Kym Lamb, guest writer
I grew up being underweight; I believe I didn't get enough nutritional foods, but it had more to do with my parents income than emotional or compulsive behaviors. Starting at the age of 22 , gaining weight hasn't been a problem. Having food available and never having had to learn to restrain my eating, I found myself moving up and up the scale until I reach the “obese” level by the age of 25.
My first bout of anorexia came when I was 30.I lost weight extremely fast, and I went below my high school weight. With the help of a therapist I gained control of my life. I gained to a safe weight, but I didn't fully address my issues nor did I learn coping skills, so my weight slowly went up and again I found myself obese.
I recently started a new job and feelings of inadequacy triggered a relapsed back into anorexic behaviors and I'm once more underweight.
My experiences have given me the opportunity to move in the world in many different sizes. I've also seen others' reactions to my various weights. As one would expect, I got a lot of praise for losing weight. People were more interested in my weight loss “secrets” than questioning the speed at which the weight was coming off.
Strangers treated me differently too. It wasn't until I was a more “normal” weight that department store sales clerks asked me if I needed help finding things. I also got more greetings and causal conversations when in public.
However, I can't totally blame strangers who ignored me when I was obese; I had internalized hatred for myself, and I didn't believe anyone would want me to interact with them. Society taught me that I had to hate myself when I'm big, otherwise it might appear that I'm OK with being overweight.
At 31 when my weight moved from thin to “so thing that obviously something is wrong,” I found myself being ignored by strangers and sales clerks again. One of my close friends was asked two times if I had HIV.
By the age of 44 I moved back to being obese, and I had to get use to society disapproval again. I had gotten used to better customer service and developed confidence that people would reciprocate my greetings. But I moved back into my “fat” woman role which, in some ways, felt more safe.
Currently I'm slightly underweight....just enough to get society approval. My current relapse started at the age of 48 when I started a new job. As I lost weight this time, the praise of my co-workers fed into my ED. Although part of me knew I wasn't eating enough, my ED voice kept telling me that all these people couldn't be wrong.
I still get praise from people who haven't seen me for awhile and from store clerks who confirm my Identity with an outdated drivers license picture. Praising my weight loss reminds me of my ED way of thinking that "thin equals happiness. Then, since I still have unhappy feelings, I believe that I must not be thin enough. Praise for being thin also reminds me that becoming obese comes easy to me, so I must constantly be in “diet mode” or obesity will catch up and take over.
I'll be 50 soon, and I'm doing what I can protect myself from weight loss praise, mostly by asking folks to not make comments. When I do get praise I remind myself that the people are just trying to compliment me. I say to myself "No, ED, it's not a sign that more weight losss will bring more praise or that this is a healthy weight for me!!!”
I find it interesting that with my experiences from obesity to anorexia and back again, I haven't learned yet that if I don't like myself large, I'm not going to like myself thin, and that gaining to a healthy weight isn't going to make me like myself less than I do now. OK, I will admit getting dressed in the morning is more fun when thin, but only through the hard work of recovery am I going to find a happiness beyond a pair of skinny jeans!
(Note from Joanna Poppink. Kym comments regularly on my blog. She is an articulate and courageous woman determined to find her recovery. She said, "sure," immediately when I asked her to write a post about her personal experience. I'm posting it as a full article. She shares, with great honesty, her emotional experience of moving back and forth through a range of body weight that I believe can provide insight and inspiration to many of you reading on this site. By all means share your responses in the comments. I'm certain Kym would appreciate hearing from you.
Thank you, Kym!)