More About Dread: Signals

I find those lists very interesting, but they don't particularly capture the essence of dread as I experience it.

Dread for me is a feeling I feel right in my core, sometimes I get a feeling like the bottom has literally fallen out of my stomach, and it is almost always accompanied by a sensation in the region above my stomach, but beneath my lungs, like a strong contracting feeling.

My mood is often a bit on the irritable side too, I'm quiet and say very little, but then I snap at people about minor things.

I recognise that I do, do some of the things on the list, in other situations, but not particulary out of dread. When I read them some of them sound a bit "theatrical". The best way I can describe it is that for me, dread is a very 'inward' feeling, whereas a lot of the things described are quite 'outward'

Don't know if that makes any sense?

Joanna, I feel like although the list doesn't capture dread very well for me, I am finding it useful in that, because I know that I do, do some of the things on that list, like trying to make myself smaller, and looking at the floor to avoid eye contact with people, wishing time away, distracting myself (with my ED behaviours) etc...

I am using those ideas to sit and reflect about why I do those things, what is usually going on at the time? what are they helping me to avoid? and so on... which is really quite interesting to get into.

Jackie - just wanted to say hello, I am also a binge-eater, although I have also been a restricter too, but in adulthood it's the binge behaviours that are more prominent. Take your time with Joanna's book - it is wonderful, but if like me, there is an inclination to race off and read the whole book grasping at all the new and useful things, do make sure that once you've read it, you go back to chapter 2, and give each chapter the time it merits.

Wow...I am just realising that, that need rush off and read the whole book, grabbing and new concepts and stuffing them in without truly digesting them ...it's a bit of a parallel to bingeing really isn't it?

So I am questioning why, why the need to do that? Something about being prepared for what lies ahead - to make sure there are no nasty surprises or disappointments maybe? To need to pre-empt what is going to happen? Made me tear-up to write that, as I am seeing how it links into the ambivalent nature of my background, of my parents attitudes, that never knowing what you're going to get, one day a behaviour is met with praise, the next day a similar behaviour met with violence and aggression.

Gosh - so much to get into here, I realise how it links in to a ceratin behaviour of my mother's that "sneaking off when the baby is asleep or distracted" - the uncertainty that went with going to sleep or letting my guard down, that she might disappear and I won't know when/if she's coming back.

Woooah - so much insight  coming here - I know I've gone right off on a tangent here, but definitely something to journal about and give more attention to - think I might finally be getting to the bottom of why I eat

S x

I relate to a lot of things on the list. One thing that happens to me often is that dread escalates into anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if anxiety is my way of not feeling dread. Then I wonder if I had a better way of dealing with dread if I could stop it from changing to anxiety. I dread the kind of anxiety that triggers panic attacks.

I was talking to my psychiatrist about how I am a little disappointed that although I've done a good job of improving my eating over the last couple of years, I still have an awful lot of intense anxiety. I guess I was hoping eating would be a little more of a silver bullet for anxiety Wishful thinking. Psych says more self compassion is needed
 around the anxiety instead of frustration.

I think my biggest dread of the past was that I'd be alone. I was sure that if people knew the real me that they would go running in the other direction. I would avoid social events because I feared accidently exposing my true self and losing the few friends I had.

I think I got to the point in my life that I hated living with the dread and fantasy fears and I had to trust that friends actually love me for who I am, not for who I was trying to be. It became a choice for me....life with my ED and fears as my companion, or taking the scary steps that had some hope of a real life at the end.

I took those steps starting with recovery friends and I've moved to friends from various areas of my life. I still have fears going to new places and being with news people...just part of my personality, but it's no longer a paralyzing dread. Took a lot of trust, but my life is so much fuller and I'm very grateful to my former self who used all the bravery she had to start making small steps!

Firstly, Jackie I wanted to say that I am really sorry to read about the stillbirth of your son, that is a huge thing to deal with, it's not just the loss of the little boy that your son would be now, it's all the expectations you had of how life would be once he was here that were never or will never be fulfilled, and that life can change from happy and exciting, to traumatic and painful, so quickly, without and real warning - it is understandable that you would be anxious, on edge, scared that things will unexpectedly go wrong.

I don't know if you have had help and support in dealing with such a life-impacting loss? Here in the UK we have Sands ([censored]://[censored].uk-sands.org/support/overview.html), I don't know if you have anything similar where you are? But more than anything just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you x

In respose to both Jackie and Tracy, I wanted to say that my girls are roughly a year behind yours at 11 and almost 5, although my 11 year old is well and truly in the throes of puberty and has the accompanying moods, attitude, need to start asserting herself more etc, so I do get how frustrating it can be at times.

Something I find helpful though, is to try to keep in mind what my role as a parent is about. Personally, I perceive that my role is to nurture and prepare my children to function successfully as individuals in the adult world. And that is not always as easy as it sounds! For example, if I raise my children to always obey orders, to do whatever it takes to please their parents because life is easier and stress-free for everyone that way - then I might be influencing them to go out into the adult world and be submissive, people-pleaser types, who do not feel able to question, argue, reason, who are open to people taking advantage of them etc, which isn't the way I'd like to send them out into the adult world. Or if I threaten severe punishments like "do this, or else...." then I could potentially showing them that it's okay to bully people etc.

And I find in order to try to keep my focus on preparing them for the adulthood, I have to ask myself sometimes "who am I doing this for?" "is that fulfilling their needs or is it fulfilling something of mine?"

So strangely enough I do welcome the arguments, the challenges to my authority, the differences of opinion etc, the things that make me question my motives, and what I'm trying to achieve, as I think it's really healthy, but that doesn't mean I find them easy to deal with, or that they don't frustrate me and push me to my limit ...because sometimes they do, and sometimes I do find myself thinking "if this is 11, what on earth will it be like when she's 14, how will I cope?"

But I'm proud really!

None of us will ever be the perfect parents, but I believe that if we can accept that and be prepared that sometime in the future (possibly when they are adults), we may have to sit with our children and say "yes, you're right, I didn't handle that very well", or "I did what I thought was best and I'm sorry if it was wrong and that it hurt you or impacted upon you in that way" - that if we can accept the things we didn't do too well, and we are able to be genuinely sorry to our children for that, then there is hope that we can maintain a good relationship with them.

I think everyone on this thread is doing their best mothering.  I think we all bring baggage to our relationships with everyone we encounter, our kids notwithstanding. I know that, despite the fact I am struggling with my daughter, I am doing the best I can.  I am admitting that I don't have all the answers and that I need help sometimes.

I too, notice that at times I can bring my mother's way of parenting into my ways.  That is completely normal.  I catch myself and try to do better. I think that is a major accomplishment that many people can't do...that is why abuse perpetuates through the generations. I do love my kids no matter what they do.

I also want my kids to develop their own personalities. It's fun to see the little adults emerging through their everyday lives.  We have ventured off the topic of dread somewhat here, but I feel that something needs to be cleared up a little.

I want to first say that when we comment on how we raise our children, we should make note that everyone on this site has thier own unique way of parenting. I may parent my children differently than someone else, but this does not mean I do not love or deeply care for my kids. It doesnt mean my kids are going to end up psychologically damaged.  I do expect respect from my children. Respect does not equal abuse or bondage. It is a form of power, yes, but children need healthy direction and guidance to navigate through life safely. 

The type of respect that I want from my kids enables me to keep them safe because I know that they trust me to lead them. When a parent is not respected, it is as if the child is saying we are on equal playing fields. But see, we cant be. The reason? As adults we know more, we have experienced more, we have been thru more. Some parents abuse this power, yes, and that is a horrible thing to have to grow up with and would make a person more likely to stay as far away from that form of parenting as possible. 

Good parents are not perfect parents, but they are able to help steer their children out of danger and into the right direction. If I did not desire respect from my kids, it would be like saying "go ahead, chart your own course...good luck..hope you make it"....I don't think anyone here does that AT ALL. I think we just call it different things. I respect my kids as well, and I try to allow them to develop their own uniqueness.  Do I give them advice? Sure I do. Again, I don't feel this is a bad thing.

Incidently, I still hold respect for my parents. They will always be older than me..they will always beat me to life experiences I have not yet had.  I still look to them for advice, but I filter it to taylor my parenting style.  I could be way off base for feeling like I needed to write this, but I feel better doing so. 

I love you all.