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Invitation to Pass Through Your Stargate
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- Category: Holidays and Special Occasions
Leaving the security of what you know and stepping through your personal portal to a new dimension takes courage. The time between December holidays and the first of the new year can be a major challenge for you. Do you recognize the signs of your challenge? pix*
We can look at what might be construed as negatives:
- You're sad or mad because the holidays didn't match your wishes and desires.
- You're worried or self critical or both because you spent too much and you wonder how you are going to deal with the financial crunch ahead.
- You're more lonely than you thought because relationships in your life proved unsatisfying, disappointing or sad because the people are gone.
- You dread the coming of the new year because going back to work or looking for work seems exhausting and grim.
We can look at what might be construed as positives:
- You feel love and gratitude for the caring and generous people in your life.
- You feel enthused about new projects that you want to begin in the new year
- You feel satisfied that you created a festive and joyous experience for people you love.
- You are at ease with your financial situation.
If you are receiving an invitation to travel to new dimensions where adventure, health, wisdom and glorious new ways of relating to people and all life and your personal stargate is opening before you, how will you respond?
What difference does it make if you are coming from the negative or the positive scenarios I describe above?
- Is your situation so bad that the thought of anything being risky and worse is impossible to contemplate?
- Is your situation so good that the thought of losing what you have is impossible to contemplate?
- How extreme does your thinking get?
Isn't it curious that both negative experiences and positive experiences can hold you back from accepting an invitation to expand your life?
What could expand your life? A stargate could lead to:
This time between holidays and the new year, this time of the winter solstice and great change for the planet touches us in ways we may not understand or recognize. We might even create major distractions to keep us unaware of our stargate invitation.
What vibrational glimmer is around you now? What little things attract your attention in a mild way and which you push to the side? What's a familiar attraction that you reject in the same old way?
These are invitations. When you pass through your stargate you experience your life in a new way. If you pass by the guitar again your life remains the same. If you pick it up and play a chord or enroll in a class, your life will change.
Please know that your fear, loneliness, sorrow and anger are guides pointing you to your stargate. Sit with your feelings and listen to them. Let your courage emerge to support you in your decision about your invitation.
Please know that you might be resisting the portal that leads you to a better life because you are comfortable where you are. Sit with your feelings of comfort. Notice if somewhere within you resides a desire to accept your invitation. Let your courage emerge to support you in your decision making.
Please remember, when we receive an invitation to pass through our personal stargate we don't get to see what's on the other side until we make the crossing. Even then it may take a while for us to appreciate where we are. Aren't you curious? I am.
Happy New Year. And please, let me know about any invitations you are receiving and how you are responding to them.
What could expand your life? A stargate could lead to:
- recovery
- different living environment (street, city, country)
- new career or different level of profession
- spiritual awakening
- greater sense of aliveness as you move in a world that is loaded with possibilities for you?
- new and different kinds of relationships (with people and with money).
- discovery of new ways of thinking and feeling within yourself
This time between holidays and the new year, this time of the winter solstice and great change for the planet touches us in ways we may not understand or recognize. We might even create major distractions to keep us unaware of our stargate invitation.
What vibrational glimmer is around you now? What little things attract your attention in a mild way and which you push to the side? What's a familiar attraction that you reject in the same old way?
These are invitations. When you pass through your stargate you experience your life in a new way. If you pass by the guitar again your life remains the same. If you pick it up and play a chord or enroll in a class, your life will change.
Please know that your fear, loneliness, sorrow and anger are guides pointing you to your stargate. Sit with your feelings and listen to them. Let your courage emerge to support you in your decision about your invitation.
Please know that you might be resisting the portal that leads you to a better life because you are comfortable where you are. Sit with your feelings of comfort. Notice if somewhere within you resides a desire to accept your invitation. Let your courage emerge to support you in your decision making.
Please remember, when we receive an invitation to pass through our personal stargate we don't get to see what's on the other side until we make the crossing. Even then it may take a while for us to appreciate where we are. Aren't you curious? I am.
Happy New Year. And please, let me know about any invitations you are receiving and how you are responding to them.
pix*
This file is made available under the Creative CommonsCC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication.Description: Francais: Laurier pour le pfojet modele.
3 December, 2010, Cody escadron delta's work.
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Wikipedia_laurier_Stargate.png
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Next month is the five year anniversary of my son's death. Five years seems like a long time to be stuck anywhere. My husband and I have been stuck in a painful dimension, trying to find our way out, trying to survive each day so that we could each come home. It worked for a time, but it doesn't work anymore. It makes me unhappy to be disconnected from myself, my body. In all honesty, I don't really know how to fix it because the desire to leave is stronger than facing all I need to do to stay present. However, I have important things to do at home. I have to be there for my kids. I've talked with my husband about this. Grief has given us some bad habits, they might be comfortable, but they aren't productive. We don't want to go anywhere or do anything. We are stuck, but I have motivation to get us out now. That's a positive.
I'm having a hysterectomy next week. It's necessary. It's the end of a part of me that has caused me great pain. I wonder what it will be like without all of those parts. I wonder if I will feel free or different. I will have some time off of work as a result and I keep thinking about the rest, but also about what I could do during those weeks to start my life on another course. I bought a personal retreat book. I've imagined using the treadmill once I am able. I've thought about visiting my oldest daughter in California. I know that I can do this.
Thanks Joanna. Happy New Year to all!
I've noticed something about myself today, a pattern, a way of dealing with stuff that I have repeated throughout my life....something I've never been aware of before, and I'm still trying to figure out how to tackle it.
What I realised is that all the times I've tackled my weight and lost a significant amount of weight, in a healthy controlled way, that there is a process I go through. it's a process that involves gradually withdrawing socially, cutting contact with friends, stopping going to the hairdressers and attending groups, minimising trips outside of the house, and usually getting to a point where I hate my job so much that I give that up too, and then I focus completely on getting healthier and losing weight - which I'm usually very successful at, and lose 70-80-90lbs, and gradually start to engage again and eventually find a new job.
What I used to believe was that it was having no social life and no job that forced me to look at myself and start losing some weight - but I realised today that it isn't, it's the opposite, I do those things when I'm feeling ready and in the right place mentally to lose weight, they are key to making it happen.
As I sat and figured out what it was about, I realised that it was my way of removing the stressors that fuel my need to eat... that's why it works so successfully. When I ranked these stressors, they went from seeing friends at the less stressful end to doing things in public, through to going to work being the most stressful by far, and I realised it was about being judged and how much truth and rationality is in those potential judgements of me, made by others.
I did think that I had resolved my issues around feeling judged, and I really have resolved the feeling that everyone I see or meet will be making negative judgements or comments about me - I know not everyone is like that, I know people make observations but do not necessarily attach positive or negative value to them, I know some people are judgemental - more pity them, I know I'm not perfect but I'm not a bad person, and whatever judgements people wish to make don't detract from my being an essentially good person, I know that there are more exciting and more valuable things to expend my energy on that worrying about being judged....and I have been able to very successfully live my life for about 18 months, feeling comfortable with myself and not worrying about being judged... so what's going on? why have I started declining social invitations, not returning calls from friends wishing to meet, avoiding going into town shopping, and battling the urge to want to give up my work? I know there are issues around supervision that I mentioned in the previous blog thread, but I realised that this weight-loss/judgement associated thing is there too.
What I concluded was that this year I've been catapulted into situations that collectively have been a bit "too much, too soon" for this girl from a very judgemental background, who is just testing out her new found self-confidence ...it's not the prospect of people making judgements that stresses me, I am really not fussed about that anymore, what stresses me is the prospect of some of those judgements actually being true and justifiable and indicative that I'm doing something wrong, letting someone down, not taking responsibility for what's going on.
My partner's gender dysphoria, is something that provokes quite strong reactions in people, she is judged, but I feel I am also judged - people seek to blame someone, what blame do they apportion to me? in my actions was I doing the right thing for my children? was I doing the right thing for her? was I doing the right thing for myself? When you're not sure what you should be doing for the best and there's no clear evidence/advice available to help you, you're feeling your way in the dark and being judged every step of the way, especially as a parent ...it's harsh, it's worrying always thinking "am I doing the right thing? what are the consequences?" and never getting any answers, it's stressful!
And the same with my size now I've regained so much weight - if someone said I shouldn't be working with children because I'm setting a bad example - they'd be right and justified, and I think it every day I go into work, I feel like I'm waiting for the comments. And the same with my own children, I am not setting a good example to them either, and I don't know how to respond when my youngest comes home telling me it's not healthy to be too heavy for your body and that I need to eat less and exercise more, that's what they've been learning at school - cos I know she's right and I feel stressed that I still haven't succeeded at that.
I don't really see any way forward other than trying to take responsibility for the things that people can justifiably make negative judgements about. The gender dysphoria stuff I'm okayish with as we had a meeting with 2 clinical psychologists specialising in that area not long ago, who actually commended how we'd handled things for the girls and even asked if we'd thought of attending groups to offer support and advice to other families in a similar position - but it can still be stressy people telling me I shouldn't let my girls see their father anymore unless he reverts back to being male and that kind of thing, or the funny looks, or the "don't you blame yourself - like wasn't I good enough in bed or something?" (I've had it all!). But the stuff around my weight/size and being healthy and setting a good example - that is the painful truth that I need to get my head around and deal with.
That's where my challenge really lies - as fighting the urge to want to give up work to eradicate the stressors that drive my eating, so that I can lose weight easily is so hard - forcing myself to go against that urge, to somehow stay in work, stay connected socially, and combine that with actually losing weight - that's a HUGE challenge! I posted on the forum the other day about what being healthy really involves - and just trying to do all those things that don't come naturally to me, and without isolating myself and to enable myself to be devoted to achieving that...
...it almost feels impossible!
Your courage and grace in the face of such powerful life challenges id stunning. I had to wait a bit before I could begin to respond to you.
I remember reading a man's discussion about the death of his 12 year old daughter. He was asked, after about six years after her death, "Does the grief begin to fade?"
He said, "No. It's just as sharp and painful as it ever was. But it doesn't come as often."
Everything is affected by a loss as great as yours, and you'll use the tools you have, including food binges. But your clarity and courage comes through your post as you describe you family challenges,
your coming hystorectomy and your retreat journal.
You want the best for your family. You obviously love them very much. You want more freedome from binges even though you've diminished your need for them. You know you need a change of environment to help give you a different perspective. And you know that a retreat journal can help you.
You trials are inspirational, Jackie. I hope you will be kind to yourself as you develop a new way to be the authentic Jacie you are now. With the death of your son you are plunged into a new way of experiencing yourself as the woman you are now. And now you face a coming hysterectomy. Your wounds make you more rich and profound, more understanding and kind, and more of a loving healer than you've ever been.
Happy New Year, Jackie. I feel certain 2014 will show you new and wonderful doors for you to pass through. Thank you for sharing your experience.You are a remarkable woman. Thank you for your presence. Your family is lucky to have you.
Shh, I think you are amazing and I wish that I lived next door to you so that we could be friends. I think your desire for solitude is coming to the surface because you need that quiet space. Not so much to isolate, but to grow into your new self. You have a new life. You might be finding that some old "stuff" doesn't fit you anymore. You have to figure out what you want and what you don't want. You have to give yourself permission, to let go of what isn't you. I've never seen you, and I don't really know you, but I'm pretty certain that you radiate love and beauty because of your soul. You could only be beautiful. Try to see yourself the way God sees you.
That being said, I am not qualified to give advice, but I like to give out hugs in the form of advice when I can.
Solitude for me is a comforting place. On some level, I like being alone. I don't have to answer to anyone and I am free to roam around in my head. I'm a thinker, a dreamer. I have to remind myself that I have other abilities. I need to balance all that thinking with some action. If I could do a little of both, I would feel more connected to my life.
I internalize the comments of others, I wonder why they can't see me, but their lack of vision, heart and imagination has everything to do with them and nothing to do with me. I've been judged for my weight. Most people can't get past it --why a woman with a pretty face would choose to be overweight is beyond their comprehension. I've listened to the commentary about the flaws in my character, my sinful nature.-- The well meaning concern of people who don't believe I have an eating disorder. It makes me angry that weight should be so important, so limiting to my relationships with others. Yes, they have a problem with me. I have a problem with them. I have a problem with me. I'm the only one who can fix all of it and it is overwhelming at times, but 2014 is going to be a positive year. A year to show up and change what I can, little by little.
I fluctuate between believing I can recover and believing that it is too hard to deal with my world as it is without the disconnect. I think it's a comfort, a way to detatch, but underneath that, I know that it is a form of punishment for me. I must stop punishing myself for my imperfections, mistakes and the negative opinions of others (real and imagined). I have to stop disconnecting from who I am. Who I am is just fine. I have to walk with my beauty and see myself the way God sees me.
Jackie, I too think you are amazing...it made me smile to think of you as my neighbour
I cannot begin to imagine how life is for anyone who has lost a child - I've had little incidents - I had 8 miscarriages, my youngest child comes from a twin pregnancy, my eldest child was poorly and we spent the first 10 months of her life uncertain whether she'd live and even longer waiting to discover if there would be any developmental delays, but these things are nothing compared with actually losing a child - they gave me a glimpse, more understanding, more compassion for women in similar situations, but I know how fortunate I am, that I have not had to grieve a loss like yours and live day in, day out with being a mother to a child you can't hug and hold ...I think you have amazing courage!
I really hope that everything goes smoothly with your operation and recovery - and I really hope it brings you the sense of relief and freedom that you hope it will.
Your comment, redressing my need to isolate as much needed solitude, felt so warm and caring, I really appreciated it, thank you! If I'm honest with myself though, I think there's a fair sprinkling of unhealthy, defensive, coping mechanism mixed in with the genuine need for solitude, that needs addressing.
I guess what I'm feeling now is the need to find a sense of balance - I spent most of my life being judged and never being good enough, to the point that I'd internalised it all, my internal-critic was on hyper alert for anything I could be judged for and would get in there and judge myself harshly for it before anyone else could get a chance to, and through therapy I have stopped doing that, I like myself now, I don't give myself a hard time about things anymore, but it feels like my self-compassion has gone a bit too far the other way now, and I let myself off and tell myself it's okay and not to be so harsh on myself about things that maybe I do need to take a bit more responsibility for and act upon accordingly.
I still have compassion, I'm not beating myself up for being too easy on myself, but I think it's probably how it is when you're first finding your feet in recovery - you start off being too harsh on yourself, and then you go to the opposite extreme of being too lenient, and at some point I guess you have to swing back a bit more towards the centre.... and I feel that's where I'm at, recognising the need to find a bit more of a middle ground. (interestingly, I see that this reflects the binge-starve cycles that have dominated my life too)...so hopefully, once my girls are back at school, and I have a funeral to attend next week too, which I hope will bring a bit of closure to my feelings and emotions around that loss (it was a shock, a sudden unexpected death, that I'm still getting my head around)... once that is out of the way and I've done my first day back at work (which I'm hoping will be better than I'm anticipating and make me feel a bit better about that too), then I will be off on a mission to fill my toolkit with those 5 elements for a healthy life that I posted on the forum.
I'm feeling a bit more positive today that I can do it!
I have always said to my job mentor that I love teaching and helping managers. Of course, I've always done that one on one, but if that truly is something I like to do, then why didn't I jump on board with this. I realized that it's because this is my "goal", and it's totally fear of failure holding me back. What if I suck at this, or I end of hating it? Then I have find another goal and I have failed at the thing I've said would be perfect for me.
But now my train of thought is that even if this isn't what I thought it would be, I won't know unless I try. This is a 6 month project and I can return to my comfortable current job, so I really don't have anything to lose. If I totally love it then I have gained so much!
It's kind of like a lesson I learned this summer when I went sky diving. Fear could have kept me from going (and trust me it got close to winning), but I did it. I will never do it again as the physical affects were too hard on me, but if I hadn't done it I would always wonder if I would like it.
Thanks for the article Joanna!
Thank you for letting us know about your opportunity and your personal process as you look at what's possible.
People with eating disorders act out feelings with their bodies through their eating disorder behaviors. The feelings don't reach conscious awareness until some healing occurs.
It makes sense to me that you would test your courage with your body (skydiving) to earn your
own trust. Once you have your own trust you have more courage to move beyond your comfortable place.
So brava to you for accepting your invitation to grow.
But this whole experience has me thinking of steps to advance and I have designed a local training plan for our lead workers. It's much needed and it's right up my career plan. So all is good