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Full Bulimia Episode Story in 5 parts: Caution could be Triggering Part 3
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- Category: Symptoms
Part 3 Dangerous Sexual Encounter - a variation on the previous option
This story is my attempt to bring understanding to this painful, desperate and all too common experience in the life of a bulimic woman. It could be triggering. I wrote this because articulating the extent of a bulimic episode in detail can help a woman know she can be understood and accepted. If she can feel known in her darkest hours she may experience a new sense of hope and reach for her recovery.
You’re in the car driving. You can’t think of anyone to call. You still are in the state where you want someone to be glad to be with you and match your energy. Where is this man?
You stop at a bar or a restaurant that has a bar. You walk in and measure the men who might be candidates for what you want. You might have a tiny flash of eye contact. You sit at the bar and don’t look at anyone.
A man or men come forward to talk. One sends you a drink from across the room. You like that. It feels caring and glamorous. You feel that someone has seen you and wants to find you. You feel unlovable, clumsy, ugly, and awkward. You hope you can be seen as beautiful, desirable and lovable. You want to be held and cherished out of your pain.
Now what?
Depending on how lost you are in your bulimic episode – yes, this is still bulimia even though food is not in the picture right now – you will talk with him. Or you will make out with him in the car in the parking lot. Or you will drive with him to a secluded spot nearby and have sex in the car. Or you will go to a motel for sex.
Or you could go to one of these places and get raped by him or by more than just him if he’s the kind of man who would call his friends to join in. You could feel held while a group of others use you sexually. If so you feel hidden and lost by the fervor or grim determination of their actions, numb to any kind of eroticism and hopeful that somewhere in this experience you will find the sensation you desperately believe you want and need.
You struggle to close down your mind when you feel isolated with these strangers whose voices, bodies and hands are unfamiliar. And at the same time you hope that somewhere in this chaotic, sensual, frightening and exciting mélange is the man who will know you, satisfy you, recognize you, love you and protect you forever. (You are very lucky if you don't get badly hurt.)
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Comments
I think I acted out sexually as part of my ED when I was in my late teens, but it was slightly different. I was led to believe that my efforts were never good enough in whatever I did in life, my attempts were always deemed lousy and inferior....and so I somehow got it in to my head that maybe I could be "good at sex" and then at least I would be good at something and have some worth to someone.
I was conscious that there was a line between people wanting to be with you because you were "good" at what you did, and people wanting to be with you because you were "easy" and they were guaranteed the sex,and you had "a reputation"....so I was very careful how I played this out.
It was always well calculated, usually played out over several weeks or months, and I always tried to make sure that I gave them enough to ensure they wanted more, but not "everything"...whilst at the same time not being a tease and a flirt who didn't deliver the goods. I made sure they orgasmed at least twice, but didn't have penetrative sex - that was my way of convincing myself that it was okay...and of making sure that they would want to see me again, just so that I could "think about it" for a while and soak up the attention and the compliments before declining.
I developed a persona that wasn't the real me, this person was confident, she always took the lead, she was always in control, she would never feel "used" by them, because she felt she was using them far more than they were using her.
I guess the 3 things that mattered were to feel a) good at something, b) wanted by someone, c) powerful and in control
It all came to an end when things didn't quite go to plan and I fell in love with one of them and entered into a long-term relationship with him....it was never a good relationship, but I clung onto it nonetheless because I was so desperate to believe that I was loveable.