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TOPIC: Support a friend and risk recovery?

Support a friend and risk recovery? 6 years 3 months ago #660

I’ve been struggling lately with my recovery. I know it has a lot to do with the stressors in my life right now. So I’ve been focusing on self care and going back to some of the things I did earlier in my recovery to assure that I stay on the right path. One of the things that has been popping up in my head is a recovery friend of mine and I’m finally realizing that this needs to be worked out.

This friend recently met a man and they dated for several months before he proposed to her. As soon as they started dating she started up with her eating disorder pretty badly. Once a wedding date was set it got worse. She has lost a lot of weight and she said she was just using the ED so look nice for the wedding and then she’ll get serious about recovery again. The wedding is in 1.5 weeks.

I have been planning on attending the ceremony but now I’m having second thoughts. It was hard enough to attend her engagement party and hear everyone comment on how great she looks knowing her secret (she hadn’t told her fiancée about the Ed at that point). He knows now, but they are still planning on starting this life together when she’s sick and in my mind shouldn’t be making big changes until she’s well enough to make those decisions. But it’s not just that.

I have watched her lose lots of weight and she does look good (a little too thin, but not too bad). I’m on the other hand struggling with staying in recovery when I’m ashamed of the weight I’ve gained. I thinking watching her at the alter and hearing all the comments on how happy she looks will make my struggles even worse. My Ed is already going to my famous wish of "I can have the best of both worlds!"

So do I protect myself and not go, or do I support my friend? It feels selfish to think of myself first at this important time in her life, but yet, if I told her the reason why I can’t go, maybe I could set a good example of taking care of oneself. Grr, I really don’t know what I should do. Any ideas?
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Support a friend and risk recovery? 6 years 3 months ago #662

Kym

I think this depends upon how close you two are as friends, and how much you wish to remain friends - I'm not saying it would destroy your friendship, but you know when we move into a healthier place, sometimes we have to reduce our contact with the friends that helped to hold us in an unhealthy place IYKWIM?

Honestly, when I look back on my wedding day, apart from very close friends and family, I can't actually remember who was there and who couldn't make it for whatever reason - it certainly didn't make or break any friendships, but that is just my view on it, your friend may be different.

I think I might possibly make an excuse not to go, but not tell her the real reason why prior to the wedding as not to cause any upset or stress around her wedding, but then after the wedding maybe pay her a visit with a little wedding gift and explain to her why you didn't go.

I don't know if that is of any help, as I know it is definitely a tough decision

S xx
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Support a friend and risk recovery? 6 years 3 months ago #663

So I went to the wedding! I still hadn't decided until that morning. I went to my NIA "Free Dancing the Divine" and during class we got in touch with our divine. I realized that my divine at that moment was my recovery and my health. Through dance the teacher had us get in touch with that divine and share it with the world. We visualized ourselves sharing our divine and I saw myself at the wedding sharing my recovery and be proud of it.

So I went and sat at the table with all our recovery friends and it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I'm glad I went as I really did have a good time.

Things aren't as much of a struggle now. My children's grandmother passed shortly after the wedding (by 1 hour!), but they are doing good supporting each others and I'm taking it all one day at a time!
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Support a friend and risk recovery? 6 years 2 months ago #666

Thanks for updating us on this Kym, it sounds like you couldn't really have asked for a better outcome regarding the wedding (obviously not the family death though).

I think maybe sometimes we have to just trust ourselves to following our gut instinct and how we feel in the moment, rather than agonising over things in advance - easier said than done though, as I know that I do agonise over things in advance when it turns out that I wasted a lot of energy on something that I should've trusted to reach a natural conclusion nearer the time.

S xx
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