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TOPIC: Mother's Day

Mother's Day 6 years 6 months ago #604

I find myself wondering, on Mother's day, about my feelings regarding my (adoptive) mother. I suppose I love her, but what I feel doesn't feel like love, and maybe that is the trouble. I have no emotional attachment to her. I call her out of respect, and when I do, I am reminded of all our relationship is not. Maybe it's the years of neglect, maybe it's my own form of detachment. I don't know. I feel guilty for feeling this way and I feel justified for feeling this way. Maybe it's my choice to make. I choose to love her even though I don't really enjoy her company. She probably feels the same way about me.
  • jmk5
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Re: Mother's Day 6 years 6 months ago #605

I wanted to reply here, and hopefully give some insight. You don't go into any detail over what the neglect was, so its hard to be specific. Maybe you weren't looking for any replies, perhaps you were just venting :)

at any rate, I am coming at this from the other side. I adopted my two daughters. One was an infant when she came to live with me and still has no comprehension that I am not her birth mother. My other daughter was older and I struggle with wondering if she truly loves me or if she is just glad she has a roof over her head. I have not given up on our relationship, but I have come to terms that perhaps all I will ever be to her is her "adopted mother" and not her "real" mother.

I am sure she harbors resentment toward her biological mother, but also toward me because I am not her "real" mother.

At any rate, I am not sure I have seen you on here before. Nice to meet you! Perhaps you can write some more about yourself.
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Re: Mother's Day 6 years 6 months ago #606

Thank you for your reply Mylifex2. I just saw it today.

When I was a child I thought it might be because she wasn't my real mother, however, as an adult I know that she is my only mother. There was a great deal of dysfunction in our home life. I met my birth mother a month before she died. Although I found that meeting valuable, it did not give me the sense of family or acceptance that I had hoped for.

I once thought that all adopted children felt this way about "real" until I met someone who didn't. My friend, Jane was completely satisfied with the life she was given. She has never had a desire for more than that.

I tried to maintain a close relationship with my half siblings for awhile after she died. We are similar in personality which is good and bad. In my original family, I am the baby. In my adoptive family, I am the oldest. I quickly found that I had to deal with the expectations of two very different families. I don't find that easy to do. I don't fit in either family.

My older half sister took me to visit my birth mother's grave after she died. I paid my respects, but felt nothing. I didn't feel sorrow or regret. I didn't know her. I have not gone back. I don't need to.


I would keep trying to reach your daughter, let her talk about it, focus on it if necessary. Find what is uniquely her and encourage that. Keep talking.

My parents were very threatened by my feelings about it. They had promised my birth mother that they would send her photos of me over the years. They never sent the photos. That was one thing she told me during our visit that hurt her.

Another was that she stopped at my parent's garage sale when I was a kid (We lived on a main road in town). I guess I was in the yard doing kid stuff. When my mom realized my birth mother was there watching me, she sent me away so that she couldn't see me and asked her to leave. I find it comforting now that she knew where I was and that she could drive by at any time if she wanted to. (I grew up in the seventies. We played outside every day).

I'm so in love with my own children that I can't imagine the sacrifice necessary to live without your child. I suppose it's a different type of grief.
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