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TOPIC: My partners health

My partners health 6 years 10 months ago #460

So yesterday morning my partner casually tells me that she got some test results back and she’s diabetic. No emotions connected to it, just stated the fact. I on the other hand went into a little shock and throughout the day it slowly sunk in. I have so many different feelings about it! And I guess my biggest awareness is that in many ways what she’s going to have to go through and what I’m going to have to do as a support system are very reversed from when I told her I had relapsed in my ED (except I was crying my eyes out!!!)

I know getting this news has placed her mortality in front of me. I want to grow old together! Her health has never been the best because she has never taken much of an interest in watching what she eats and doesn’t eat or getting exercise so I guess I’ve always known she was as risk for something like this, but this just makes that fear more real.

I have also thought of how this could trigger my ED as she is going to have to start dieting and really needs to lose weight. She and I stopped eating the same things when I was in my ED because basically I wasn’t eating enough and she was eating junk food. Then when I started treatment I had to stop eating at the same time because I would see her over eating and I would eat less like somehow I could make up for her. I’m thinking if my recovery is strong enough (which I think it is) it would be good for her to start eating with me again.

I’ve already told her that if she has to purchase a scale, that I can’t know it’s in the house and I better not ever find it. She doesn’t think she will be buying one but promised me she would keep it from me if she did.

My other fear is watching her diet and knowing I can’t join her. I guess I should stop thinking of her changing her eating as dieting and more of just making better choices. I told her that if she needs help with exchanges I’ve become very proficient with it. I feel like I can handle this, but it’s going to test my ability to be honest with myself and check in with my Wise Mind often. Since I was obese before the relapse I know that one thing I can do well is lose weight (maybe not healthy but I can get the job done…..if I live through it). On the plus side I designed a really cool meal planning book that the 2 dieticians that I’ve seen said I could sell and I agreed to make her one but that will just be fun!

I guess the hardest part for me is going to be supporting her but not trying to do it for her. I’m such a problem fixer I so badly want to get her signed up for classes and do her food shopping and even tell her that she has to be having feelings about this news so dam it…..CRY! I know I’ve had several crying moments already!

Maybe the part that’s getting me is that when it’s me that has to make the changes I’m in charge of the progress, but when it’s her, I have to sit back and just hope and pray that she’s got the strength to take care of yourself…….wow, I’m now seeing what I have put my loved ones through :(
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Re: My partners health 6 years 10 months ago #461

Kym - I'm so sorry to hear about your partner's health news. I am hoping that your partner will be able to achieve her health goals and you will have plenty of time to be old together. Perhaps she is still in shock and just hasn't processed to the point of being in touch with her emotions.

I'm familiar with diabetes as my twin and two best friends are Type I and I have a couple of friends with Type II (both of the Type II folks no longer take meds or have to check blood sugars and are eating healthy and exercising now). I can absolutely see why this brings up a lot of potential triggers for you.

Oh Kym - I'm a habitual fixer too. It IS really painful to try to not fix, manage, oversee, nudge, negotiate with someone hyou love when you see plainly what they needs to do. When my twin was diagnosed we were 20 and living together and I made all her food and checked on her at night and worried about her having low blood sugars while she was driving and begged her not to eat certain things. It took me a while to realize that I couldn't do it for her. At 48 I still worry like heck about her and give advice but I know she must make her own choices. I struggle with the same dynamics with the hubby and the way he over trains for his duathlons and how he IMHO doesn't fuel enough to stay healthy. Somehow I've managed to stay away from his scale (it is wireless and it would show up on his computer if I put my big toe on it). Ack...loving people is hard!

Treatment for diabetes has really chaged a lot over the past 20 years. I've noticed a big switch from a the dieting mentality and strict carb counting to more of a healthy/balanced eating and exercise lifestsyle which feels similar to me to what you (and all of us) are working to achieve with ED recovery. I am wondering if you can both be on the same team -- working towards a healthy lifestyle together and cheering each other on.

It seems like the Universe is offering you a couples communication and support challenge right as you are beginning your work in that area. I expect you will get a lot of really helpful support from your new counselor and can explore some strategies for taking care of yourselves and supporting each other as you both face this new situation.

Kym - I do believe you are strong enough in your recovery to be a supportive partner and to take good care of yourself!

I'm here for you. Hugs.
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Re: My partners health 6 years 10 months ago #463

Thanks Laura, I think like everthing else I'm going to have my strong and my weak moments and it's a matter if comforting myself during the weak ones! A good friend of mine found out about 2 months ago that her partner is diabetic so we've talked and agreed to check in with eachother through out th process. Guess I'm pretty good at developing support systems because it appears I need them!

During our "homework" (communication time) last night, she did open up a little bit so that's a good sign.
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Re: My partners health 6 years 10 months ago #465

Kym, I'm so confused I typed a reply to this last night, but it is nowhere to be seen when logged on today!

Basically what it said was that I'd initially typed a response and realised that I was probably over-identifying in places, and decided not to post it, but I really do believe that you have enough compassion and self awareness to take care of yourself and to support your partner in taking care of herself too, and that I think you recognise the difference in supporting her to do the self-caring rather than trying to do the caring yourself.

I know this is probably going to be a bit of a rollercoaster for both of you, and I will be thinking of you lots in the coming weeks and months, but I believe that you can do this xxxx
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