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TOPIC: moving past fear and comfort zone!

moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #390

So I’ve decided that tonight I’m going to do something big!! I’ve shared many times that I have intimacy issues. I’ve worked hard on them in counseling but I’ve reach a point where I’ve discovered and accept that I can’t fix my relationship with my partner by myself. I’ve done what I can on my own (and my therapist agrees) so I’m going to ask her to do couple counseling with me.

This is a big one for me because we are in a comfortable spot. We are each basically living our own lives, getting along, but not making much connection. By moving out of that comfort zone I’m going to have to enter into an area I’ve never gone before (intimacy wise). Also, by my admitting that I’m not the sole reason for our distance, I’ve giving up control of the success of our relationship. I don’t have control over her doing her part of the work or dealing with her issues (or even admitting she has issues). I like my control so this will be hard. Lots of trust I think.

We did couple counseling at the treatment center I attended and it was a nightmare! But I’ve found someone I think will be great to work with and I’m open to anyone she might find. Hopefully this time because the focus isn’t on my recovery (which I’m sure my partner might try to make it about), I won’t feel like I’m getting ganged up on.

Recovery has opened up so many areas of my life but this is the one area I feel like I’m falling short. My intimacy issues have caused relapses in the past so besides wanting every area of my life to be full, I need to do this for my recovery.
With me luck and courage!!

(wow, have you ever stop to take a look at where you are and from where you came, and been totally amazed at yourself? I’m having one of those moments!!)
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Re: moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #391

Kym

I think you're making an amazing move...one that will be potentially tough, but really rewarding however it plays out, I'm sure.

One of the hardest things I found with couples counselling was kind of the mismatch emotionally/psych-mindedness, if you know what I mean?

Stay strong and be brave Kym - what you're doing is amazing!

xx
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Re: moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #392

Wow Kym! Congratulations on your decision. That's a huge step to decide that you deserve connection and intimacy.

The hubby and I have done couples counseling. It was very hard and very helpful. I was the instigator. It took a lot of courage to ask him to come with me. I had to ask more than once and it took quite a few conversations to get to agreement.

Once he was "in", one of the hardest tasks was finding a therapist we both liked. We interviewed a number of people that our therapists recommended before we found one that we both felt comfy with. We have different therapy styles so it was important and helpful to talk about that openly with the different therapists and ask if they felt they could meet both our needs. We each had a number of meltdowns during the time we were doing the therapy but ultimately it helped us move forward for which I am extremely grateful.

Another thing that was really helpful for me was having my own therapist be on my side during the couples counseling experience. She helped me continue to bring my issues to the table.

I am wishing you lots of luck. I know you have courage...this will just take remembering you have it over and over.

Good for you Kym!!!
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Re: moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #393

So my partner is very happy that I am suggesting counseling, is totally Ok with paying for 1/3 of it (my income is a lot higher then hers, but I don't want to feel resentment or a right to push my agenda if I pay for it all...know myself too well!!!)

She read the bio page for the person I think could be a great match and she likes her too, So I sent an email to the therpaist asking for a consultation.

I don't know why I worry about things like this...maybe it's a fear of rejection. But I'm excited that she's excited. I'm sure it's going to be hard and yes Laura, I'm keeping my personal therpaist; Acutally we scheduled my next two appointments closer together because of my tendancy to relapse when dealing with intimacy things.

Thanks everyone!
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Re: moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #394

Sounds great!

And yes, I understand about the fear of rejection thing, for me I think it's something to do with being raised in an environment where you never really knew if you were doing the right thing, and how quickly everything could be turned against you if the other person (usu my mother) felt challenged.

Keep us posted on this - as it's really "big" stuff, and very exciting xx
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Re: moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #397

So the therapist that I wanted to check out can see us next Tuesday at 4:00 :) It just amazes me how scared and excited you can be at the same time! I think it's a battle of Little Kimmy who wants to remain safe and the adult Kym who has enough of this "playing it safe" and wants to have some fun!

The therpaist, over email, gave us two home work assignments already....check out the book she uses and do some "rascally act of random kindness and love mischief towards each other." Maybe she will be able to reach little Kimmy after all!
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Re: moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #398

That's awesome the therapist can fit you in so quickly Kym! I'm really impressed that she is giving you homework. She sounds very proactive. Scared and excited sounds a little bit like hope :)
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Re: moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #399

ohh it's all very exciting!

She sounds very on the ball, setting you homework already - all sounds very promising! I hope you both get along with her when you meet in real life :)
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Re: moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #421

So Susan (my partner) and I went to our first couples therapy. Wow, we both loved the therapist. She uses "Emotional Focus Therapy" based on Dr. Sue Johnson's work (we've been reading her book, "hold me tight" which is totally awesome!!) and research on emotional bonding in adults, and it was totally diffferent from any couples counseling I've done in the past (with ex's). Loved it! She focused on moments when we felt connected and had us talk about hard moments then had us get into the feeling so that we could feel a connection around it now. Amazing! My partner shared things with me about how she felt during the first hard times of my recovery and I had no idea! I realize now that I didn't share much with her during those first years because I felt like I didn't want to burden her, but what I did was put up a wall around myself which made her feel like she needed to put a wall around herself and issues she had because she didn't want to burden me. The therapist describe to Susan what it's like to go through something this big (recovery from a ife threatening condition) and described to me what it's like for a love one to watch someone go through it. Both of us had no idea!! I'm seeing now that I really should have involved her more!

I shared the trauma I felt during the couple counseling at the treatment center and our new therapist explained how and why mistakes were made and it gave me comfort to know that we're not going to go down that road again!

I'm really feeling hopeful now! So glad I got the courage to ask Susan to do this with me! This is going to be a nice addition to my recovery :)
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Re: moving past fear and comfort zone! 6 years 10 months ago #423

Ohh Kym

I found that really quite emotional to read!

I am sure that P has no idea of what he has put me through with his issues, and it's true that I don't really have any idea how my ED behaviours, and my recovery work - especially the early stuff impacted upon him either... thanks for sharing that with us, as it has given me something to think about there, that I hadn't really thought much about before.

Sounds like you have found a really wonderful therapist, I'm so glad both you and Susan like her, and are impressed by the way she works - she sounds great!

This is such a great opportunity for you and Susan, and it sounds like you are both ready to make the most of it!

much love xx
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