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TOPIC: scared

scared 6 years 11 months ago #326

I thought I had my whole holiday season mindset under control. What I should know, from many past experiences, is that it is an ongoing process. I got thru Thanksgiving ok..and by ok, I mean, I probably indulged too much, but I didn't let my mind take over with extremely self-destructive thoughts in regards to restricting or compensatory acts.
Today, WHAM! it has hit me VERY VERY HARD. I am extremely anxious about the upcoming days. My negative self talk is a constant chatter. I have emailed my therapist to help me get grounded before this takes off somewhere that it will be hard to come back from. I am having so many bad thoughts that I am bad if I eat..I want to run to the store after work and get pills so I can keep my appetite at bay. I just need to get thru next week. I have put on so much weight and I am so scared to put on anymore. I am so very anxious today.
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Re: scared 6 years 11 months ago #327

Sorry you are so anxious today. It's so hard when those ED thoughts get active. One thing I always try to remember is that they are thoughts not actions or behaviors. I had a spell of really icky ED thinking last week. These are the kinds of things I tried to tell myself: Thoughts by themselves are just thoughts. I am not bad for having the thoughts. I have made wise decisions in the past as to whether or not to act on these thoughts. I can do that again now. In this moment I am OK.

When I get all wound up in dread (OMG I'm going to blow it, I can't do this), my T will often ask, "why are you scaring yourself, nothing bad is happening right now" and we will try to figure out what is going on behind the ED thinking.

Hope this helps. Hang in there. I hope your T gets back to you quickly. Hugs.
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Re: scared 6 years 11 months ago #328

my therapist emailed me back late this afternoon. Her response to my email was "I hope you have a wonderful holiday and are kind to yourself." I kinda needed a little more support but I also realize that its a difficult conversation to have via email. I will see her the day after christmas, so I am sure we will talk about this. I went to the store and looked through the diet pill section, but I left without buying any. That was a major victory. I have worked really hard today to eat mindfully. I did eat today, but I was very careful to not overeat. I just hate how guilty I feel when I overindulge. After the first of the year I think I am going to go back to my nutritionist. it's been many years. I hope this doesn't offend my therapist because she is a medical doctor and she has been trying very hard to help me with my food plan. I just feel I need someone who specializes in nutrition and can dedicate that time to me to just talk about food stuff, and let my therapist talk with me about my other stuff. The day is not over....the hardest part of my day is to come..night time after the kids go to bed, and my night meds have kicked in and get me kinda hazy and hungry. If I can get thru the holidays....
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Re: scared 6 years 11 months ago #329

Great to hear about your major victory :) Sounds like really hard work but you did it. I support your idea of going back to your nutritionist. Mine is really helpful. It's hard for me to imagine your T being offended. Most Ts just want you to get the support you need. My T gets giggly with excitement whenever I mention that I'm thinking about getting more support or a different kind of support. I hope yours does too.
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