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For Moms in Recovery at Christmas: "You Are the Gift"
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- Category: Holidays and Special Occasions
Mothers working toward eating disorder recovery, increasing your self esteem and appreciating your self worth enriches your child's Christmas. My guest blogger and fellow Conari Press Author, Barbara Joy, tells you how.
Presents or Presence…Which Do Your Children Really Want?
The holidays are once again here. The kids are a year older and most likely there are already too many piles of toys, gadgets and games lying around the house from this past year. Parents often find themselves buying a present here and there as you plan for the holidays. The days in December are quickly passing. You’re busier and busier with the many commitments, festivities and planning of the holiday.
You anticipate how much your children are going to love their presents; how happy they are going to be! Ironically, many times as the holidays grow nearer, the stress builds. You notice more misbehavior.
You hear yourself saying, “Why are they like this?” I am planning such a wonderful holiday for them. They are getting everything they want. Why aren’t they happy? Where’s the gratitude? They have so much!”
I encourage you to look a little deeper. Are you giving them something that will be meaningful, even a year from now? Something that will enhance their life? Something that they really want? Are you giving them your self? When is the last time you spent any real, quality time with them?
Do you know that if you slow down and give your children some real present time, that gift will far outlast anything that you can wrap and put under the tree. That is a gift that they will cherish. And you will too.
Sometimes parents forget or do not fully realize just what a gift you are in your children’s life. They want to be with you. To have you pay attention to them.
Parents….. You are the gift to them just as they are to you. Consider this holiday:
What would it be like if you gifted each of your children a gift of your Presence everyday?
It doesn't so much matter what you are doing but rather that you are connecting with them without other distractions. Turn off the TV, cell-phone, and anything else that will take you away from some special time with your child. Maybe it’s taking a walk. Reading together. Playing a game. Decorating cookies. Simply sitting and listening to them. Really listening, without distraction.
Your children simply want to be with you… You are the most important gift that you can give your child this season and everyday from now on.
Perhaps this will be something you will want to bring into the New Year.
A commitment to be Present on a daily basis.
The only cost of being present is your time. When they grow up and come back to visit you for the holidays, I assure you, the memories they share will be about the times that you gave them the gift of your Presence.
YOU ARE THE GIFT!
Wishing you and your family a wondrous holiday season !
Barbara Joy
Author of Easy Does It, Mom
email: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
From Joanna: Please remember, your eating disorder takes you away from the people you love and who love you. Recognize the eating disorder feelings and messages as saboteurs. Let your real self shine forth, even if you need to struggle to clear what dims your light. Your children will see and feel the love light in your eyes, your smile, your touch, your voice, your words and actions. Be the light this Christmas.
Let us know your stories of how you step aside from the eating disorder saboteur and let your authentic self be present for the holiday. Every minute you are present is a gift to everyone.
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Holidays and Special Occasions For Moms in Recovery at Christmas: "You Are the Gift"
Comments
I really have had a better week with my food. I have not counted calories for 4 days straight. (atleast not on paper~but this is good!) Like Jan said on another post, the holidays present us with so much food. I also feel I am "overeating", when in fact, overeating to me is very little to someone else. BUT, I am allowing myself to taste a little bite of this or that. I am giving this as a gift to myself. Yes, I weigh myself daily..I do stay on top of things...
Guys, I want to share something that I think has been monumental for me over the past couple of weeks. REACHING OUT! not just to my therapist, not just on this site, not just with a best friend or support group. I mean reaching out to others that I need support, that I am not too proud to admit my life isn't perfect. If someone asks me if I am ok, I often tell them "no". depending on the circumstance I may share more or less information, but I have begun to take off my mask..you know, the one with the fake smile..the one where the mouth is smiling, but the eyes aren't? I want help. I want those close to me to know I need them right now. Not in a "I am gonna suck the life out of you" kind of way, but in the sense that I am tired of doing this alone and I need someone to walk with me kind of way.
I am somewhat anxious for the holidays to be over as I have really used this time to be kind to myself. I am afraid of getting back to the grind...and maybe this post christmas adjustment can be something we can talk about in a few days.
So thanks for validating my experience through this post!!
Kym..I just though "wow" when I read about your family soltistic dinner - it is as much as gift from you to them, that you want to share this part of your life with them and involve them, as their presence at the meal was a gift to you (if that makes sense?) I'm so pleased and proud that you are able to give more of yourself to others, and that it is being well-received - it's really heart-warming to read.
When I read this article, I found it re-affirming of my decision not to return to work until my children are both at school. It was a decision made because I valued being there for them, I didn't want them in day care - I wanted to give them my time, my caring, my love - I want them to never have a doubt in their minds how much they are loved, and to look back as they get older and know how much I loved being there for them.
It's a decision that I always felt was right, but one that my ED let me feel ashamed of, I always felt that people judged me and that I was inadequate because I wasn't juggling a career alongside my children, I used to be ashamed to admit to people that I was a stay at home mum, that it was my choice, and that it was what I wanted to do until my youngest turns 5 ....I thought people thought I was either lazy, not v intelligent, or both!
Thesedays I don't care - often people still assume that I must work until I tell the otherwise, but I just feel fortunate now, that we can afford to scrape by financially whilst I enjoy raising my children, and that I have the most wonderful children to share this time with!
Enjoy your kids while they are young....trust me, they grow up too fast!!
Tracy
Parenting advice is a stretch here. All I can say is your eating disorder colors your vision and your emotions. It does for anyone who has an eating disorder.
When you know that you can take that knowledge in to consideration before you make judgements or take actions.
Probably what's best is to talk to a child psychologist or family therapist to help you sort out the reality of your daughter's situation and your influence on her.
I'd look for a fresh point of view, a mental health professional removed from your family system and network of friends.
the more I attempt to progress in my healing, the more I realize the impact I may be having on my kids. I haven't really gotten into this topic with my therapist as I always seem to have so much on my plate when I get to my session. I know my daughter has an unhealthy relationship with food. I don't think she knew that until I pointed it out...so am I making things worse? I don't know. I do try to choose my words carefully. But I wonder if I should just let her be who she is and not worry about her size...I know a lot of this is my issue and projections. I do have a coworker who is a nutritionist. I think she would be really honest with me about what direction to take. thank you for helping me think of this.
tracy
I am starting to go down a similar route with my 9 year old daughter - in the last 6 months she's crossed the line from being at the larger end of the healthy weight range for her age, into the "overweight" section...and I don't really know what to do, I have tried the "healthy eating" tack, but it had little effect, I tried asking her if there were any sports or activities she would like to try but she hasn't come back to me with anything. I've recently moved her off school cooked meals on to packed lunches, because the school insist that they eat most of their meal even if they are full, and I suspect that they give her larger than average portions, as it is natural to dish up portions for a child according to their size...it was actually her suggestion to change, so she seems happy with that.
But I don't want to obsess about her food and I don't want her obsessing with food...we eat to live, not live to eat...and maybe that's just it, maybe I don't encourage her to "live" enough...especially since her sister (who's now 3) was born, as it was difficult to juggle everyone's needs and I suppose hers were attended to less well than they had previously been, and she has developed what I consider to be an unhealthy relationship with electronic gadgetry, in that it is how she chooses to spend most of her spare time. So now that my little one is a bit older, I'm currently trying to get her to broaden her activities a little, and see if that helps.
sounds like we are struggling with similar issues. I also have had concerns about her time in front of the television and with her DSi, phone, and MP3. We joined a gym not too long ago and there are great activities for the kids, so I am hoping to get her moving there. I suspect she has a very sluggish metabolism to start with and will try to remember to ask her doctor about the possibility of thyroid problems. I also pack her lunches so that I have more control over what she eats. (and I don't mean control in a negative way
I get sad because I saw her hopping on and off my scales the other day (much like she must catch me doing), and last night she said her arms were too fat to wear a tank top to tumbling class. But like Joanna said, I need to remember to take my clouded eating disordered vision into check before I make decisions or make comments. Let me know how things are going with your daughter.
Tracy