Eating Disorder Relapse Check In


I'm beginning to think that if I get through this series of 300 we might have a eating disorder relapse check in place.  When you feel you are relapsing you get frightened that you are going back to the months or years of eating disorder misery. You worry or panic over your behavior.  You don't know how to stop and you look for something or someone to hang on to.  But while you are looking, you are bingeing or starving or throwing up.

What's happening is that you have healed and developed enough to no longer need your eating disorder.  You moved beyond it.  But, in moving beyond it you increased the complexity and challenges in your life.  This is great.  At some point you hit a psychological place where you need some psychological strength and resilience that isn't there.  You moved your life beyond your development.

In that bewildering place when you can find nothing inside to help you cope, you reach out for what filled in your blanks in the past, your eating disorder.  This signals, not that you are going back, but that you have moved forward and need to do more work.

But what work?  That's where these 300 maxims might come in handy.  I hope you will be able to cruise through the different points and see which relate to you. When one rings out to you personally then you can dig in to your new healing and development work which makes the eating disorder an unnecessary and obsolete tool.

When have you experienced a relapse? What did you discover you needed to learn or develop in order to heal and move on?



0 # I'm intrigued with these 300 maxims; altKymL 2010-09-27 21:58
I'm intrigued with these 300 maxims; although I will admit that at times, I'm struggling to follow. Seems every time I re-read your blogs, I'm reading something different :-) maybe that's a good thing!

So I haven't relapsed on paper.....actually the 16th marked my 100th day of not restricting. But I'm feeling like a “dry drunk.” I'm emotionally withdrawing again and I'm finding myself stuck in my “internal dark places” again, where my ED likes to take control. The desire to lose weight is getting strong again and I seem to be avoiding “life” by focusing on my struggles in recovering......then I tell myself that I might as well do the ED least I'd be a smaller size. I know I'm avoiding looking at parts of myself and my life. I know I've learned things about myself these last 100 days, but I seem to be stuck now. Not sure if I'm scared of what's next or if I've fallen for “numbing” again.

I will continue to follow your posts and hopefully something will relate to me! I may not feel really good about myself right now, but I know recovery is the most important thing to me.....or I would have given into my desires long ago!

Thanks for sharing with us!! I still get excited when you have a new post!

0 # Good to hear from you, Kym. Those darkpinkjoanna 2010-09-27 22:39
Good to hear from you, Kym.
Those dark places are places in you that need healing attention and must come up in order to get the attention and care you need. I'm so glad you are steadfast on your recovery path.

It's interesting to me that you write about your avoiding looking at parts of yourself and your life just when I finish posting the Wave Dream on my blog.

The maxims. I'm intrigued with them too. I'm using them more as prompts now rather than as specifically as I had originally planned. They are too powerful for brief commentary.

And yes, my posts are about different phases and moments in healing. As you develop you will find something different in a post you've already read. That's the way it should be. As you heal your perception expands and your ability to receive deepens.

warm regards,

0 # Hi Joanna, it's Kym again. Sorry, but IKymL 2010-10-09 15:12
Hi Joanna, it's Kym again. Sorry, but I was drawn to this post again and I can't quite grasp what you're saying. I recently started restricting again and I've been able to identify the triggers. I understand when you say we reach for what filled the “blank”'s what I know. What I don't understand is the idea of “moved your life beyond your development.” I also don't think I understand exactly what “psychological strength and resilience” looks like. I have already discovered some things about myself these last few days.....things I'm not sure I would have come to understand if I hadn't messed up. Is that what you mean by moving beyond? Is it moving beyond what you currently know? I've come to recognize that I put all my daily behaviors into “good” or “bad” categories and then I judge myself as a person based on the behaviors I'm using. My old church use to tell me if I was good or bad, but I didn't realize that since leaving that church, I've carried on my own persecution. I've also prescribed my recovery as good only if it follows very strict “good behavior guidelines”; any faltering is seen as failing. Members of my support group can announce that they've purged __ number of times and seem at peace! I 'd get mad at them but then I've came to realize that I'm angry at myself for not being able to do that! I can't just let my recovery “be” what it's going to give myself permission to mess up and not feel like a failure. So last week I woke up one day and realized I had forgotten to drink a milk exchange the night before. In my mind, I blew more counting days of “perfect” recovery (I do black and white thinking very well!!). I started restricting like crazy and the thing I've noticed is that when I'm not telling myself what a failure I am, I am actually enjoying being "bad"!!! I've been the good girl all my life (I was even in the convent for awhile!) and I am enjoying being deviant! I know I can't keep this up, but I have given myself permission to feel what "bad" feels like without judgment. I'm doing my best to not see myself as good or bad, but just as someone who has “fallen forward” and is learning something from it. I also want to explore being “deviant” in other the grocery store today, I left the shopping cart in my parking spot!!! Anyway, I have an appointment with my counselor Monday and I'm sure I'll get myself back on the right track (see, again, I've labeled my current behaviors as the wrong track! Grrrr). I was just drawn to this post and wanted to make sure I was getting what you are saying as it seems so fitting in my life right now.



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